Well I think a lot of sense has been spoken and good advice has been given here.
I tend to think that there are many types of songs and many styles of lyrics and it is very difficult to find your own style. Sometimes lyrics might make perfect sense to the writer given that he has experienced the situation and can read his own interpretation into the lyrics BUT others might think what the hell is that all about. I listened to your song and read the lyrics and whilst most of it makes sense other bits are like what the hell is he talking about. You have to put yourself into the mind of the listener and think from a neutral POV does it make sense and will people understand the story or message I am trying to put forward. Now I am a great believer in leaving the listener to fill in his own blnks and allow him to interpret the song his own way BUT there must be clues and substance to allow him to do it. That said it is a free world and writers can write and perform anything they like. If it is for your own amusement then anything goes BUT if you are writing for others to perform or for the entertainment of outsiders then the rules and formats for successful writing have to be defined and followed.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/songInfo.cfm?bandID=687727&songID=5238055