JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 Old Dog Webster (rewrite)

Hey Everyone -- Calvin put this to music and it's up at the MP3 forum now! It's back to the original name -- Old Dog Walker! Thanks so much, Calvin, for the lovely ballad! -- Lisa


Rewrite #1:
Here's a rewrite, based on the feedback. I still haven't addressed all the issues, but I'm still working on it. I talked to Joe's wife and she reminded me that a neighbor had called Joe, saying Walker hadn't moved and he seemed dead. Joe rushed over there, and Walker was alive. I've added this to the lyric. Also, his name is now "Webster" instead of "Walker!" hee, hee! Thanks for everyone's help!

Old Dog Webster (rewrite)

Old Dog Webster lived out on Plum Creek
With a country man he shared those backwoods
The man moved away but that mutt remained
Roaming the land his life stayed the same

Neighbors stepped in to fill up his bowls
He refused to stay with anyone long
He'd never known care at his master's hand
His thick coat was loaded with grit and sand

CHORUS
Old Dog Webster was tough
It was clear to all
He didn't need much
Old Dog Webster
Old Dog Webster

Plum Creek was sold to a man named Joe
He'd stay on long weekend getaways
Calming the growl stuck in Wesbster's throat
Joe took a comb to his tangled coat

BRIDGE
Six months passed by
And every weekend
Old Dog Webster
Stayed by Joe's side
Through the touch of Joe's tender hand
Old Dog Webster learned of more than land

CHORUS
Old Dog Webster was tough
It was clear to all
He didn't need much
Old Dog Webster
Old Dog Webster

One day Joe heard Old Dog Webster was dead
He rushed to Plum Creek and found him alive
Joe followed him down to the wooden pier
Old Dog Webster jumped in...then disappeared

CHORUS
Old Dog Webster was tough
The locals said he didn't need much
Old Dog Webster
Old Dog Webster

Ending
Joe carried Old Dog Webster up
Buried him with his tender touch

(c) 2013, Lisa Gundling

This is a true story about a relative of mine (Joe). He'd bought Plum Creek as a weekend place, but the owner left his dog, Walker, and Walker's dog kennel. Joe would spend hours stroking the gritty, lumpy Walker, and Walker came to love him. I stuck to the facts, but is it too confusing? Thanks! -- Lisa

Old Dog Walker (original version)

Old Dog Walker lived out on Plum Creek
With a country man down in the backwoods
They later said his eyes would speak

Mangy as they come he roamed the land
Never got much care or human contact
Food and water but no soft hand

CHORUS
Old Dog Walker was tough
It was clear to all
He didn't need much
Old Dog Walker
Old Dog Walker

Place got sold but that dog wouldn't move
So the simple man came back each day
And filled his kennel bowl with food

BRIDGE
Plum Creek's new owner didn't mind
His name was Joe and he was kind
He'd come on weekends and his tender hand
Taught Old Dog Walker of more than land

CHORUS
Old Dog Walker was tough
It was clear to all
He didn't need much
Old Dog Walker
Old Dog Walker

When it came time for that dog to go
He led his friend to Plum Creek's waters
As he went under, he gazed at Joe

CHORUS
Old Dog Walker was tough
It was clear to all
He didn't need much
Old Dog Walker
Old Dog Walker

Ending
Joe carried Old Dog Walker up
Dug his grave with a tender touch

(c) 2013, Lisa Gundling

First of all, there are people who make money by walking dogs. I would guess they're called dog walkers. So in that regard, I'd change the dog's name. You say it's a true story, but people reading this without your comments wouldn't be aware of that. And even though it's true, I would have trouble understanding why the guy left the dog if he was so attached to him. Also, I've never heard of a dog committing suicide. I've learned that with true stories it's almost always best to take some artistic license with them. Entertaining your audience is more important than absolute fidelity to the story. But it's a nice story, generally well told. Good luck with it

HiDee Mz Maryland!!!

I enjoyed readin' What's There, just wished for More...as to what the Dog had Done during it's lifespan...before it got snuffed.

THEN its death MIGHT have felt More-Tragic.

But..As-'Tis, it's a Sad-Ending Overview...of a pretty dull, everyday Dog's Life Story...and ends More-Humanely than if its Owner'd blown-it-away with his rifle...as often-happens.

JMO... Good Luck with it, M'Ladychum!

Best Wishes, Big Gal-Hugs, & a Wee FHS,
Stan

PS: I wasn't quite sure which "HE" led "His Friend" to the water.

Hi Bill,

Yes, you've got good points...it needs reworking, without so much fidelity to the real story. I'll work on that! Thanks for your comments!

Back to the story, though, just as an fyi to answer some of your questions...this happened over about a six-month span of time, during the warm months. This is a very rural area, and the guy who owned the dog had moved five minutes away, and Walker kept wanting to go back to his kennel at Plum Creek. So, the guy let him do it, Joe let him do it, and the friendship between Joe and the dog grew. Yes, if Walker had had no options and it got to be cold...he would have taken steps. To further complicate things...Joe had a rescue dog at his home who wouldn't tolerate other dogs.

Regarding dogs committing suicide....I didn't think of it as a suicide. I've heard that dogs often go to a favorite spot to die, and Walker's favorite spot was the little lake at Plum Creek, and he'd often go swimming there. I believe that Walker knew he was dying at that time, and wanted to die in his favorite spot. (Joe thought he was just going for another swim, and he jumped in when he saw Walker going under...but Walker was already gone. I don't think he even drowned because Joe was there quick enough -- I think his heart just gave out.)

But...that's not part of the song....

Thanks for your helpful take on this!

Lisa

P.S. That's also a good point about the dog walker -- that hadn't occurred to me -- lol!

Hi Stan,

I see that you and Bill are on the same page about this! I just gave Bill a long explanation about the back story! But, I understand the points you're both making!

(Yeah, he was just an ordinary country dog who lived his life kind of wild, but got a little lovin' in the end...that's enough of a tender moment for me -- LOL!)

But I'm giving this some thought now, including clarifying the pronouns in that line -- although -- those lines will probably be changed anyway, if I fictionalize this...Hmmmmm....

Thanks so much for your helpful thoughts!

Lisa

I came out of Dunkin' Donuts this morning and two dogs at the door started barking at me. God! I hate dogs more everyday!

Lisa this is a tearjerker, I love animals, they give you unconditional love. Here is a suggestion. Maybe something like this. I may not have the right punctuation.


When it came time for that dog to go
He led his friend to Plum Creek's waters
His heart stopped as he went under, gazing up at Joe


Summer

Some debate whether non-fiction can be considered literature. I tend to fall into the "absolutely" camp because I feel it takes more technical writing skills to condense the facts down into a readable format. Read any John McPhee book and come tell me it ain't poetry. I am unsure the rules of writing a non-fiction song, but I have been pecking at one myself, and it always seems facts and rhymes are fightin' like opposite ends of a seesaw. I don't think it means abandon the facts, I just think it takes more work.

And about those facts, the actually story of the dog swimming to its death drew more of a reaction from me than the lyric verses that described the same. That is such a crazy story, I would love to see that fleshed out a little more in the lyric. My God, that incident right there could be the whole song.

And the "Old Dog Walker" thing did throw me off a little too. Try reading through the lyric with "Old pal Walker" or something like it. I think it still works and eliminates the dog-walking confusion.

Nice story here Lisa enjoyed reading it . You already have great support and advice posted above. Bill and Stan are right on point I believe JMO though. Chris might be on to something with the Old Pal Walker if it works for you. I tried to think of something else to offer up but looks like the boys have handled the job quite well. Keep at this one.

An odd one Lisa.The title/dogs name as someone has mentioned confuses.
As for the suicide is that possible,? Elephants are reputed to go to one place to die, not quite suicide but they know the end is near.
I would lean more towards that theory than them taking their own lives, heart attack perhaps,though who knows? Strange things happen.
I think more depth as Stan pointed out,something more about the doggies personality, make him more appealing by perhaps dropping the "mangy"
I'm off for a swim with my son which is a scary thought now lol
Travis

Hi,

Nice story.
Regarding how Old Dog Walker comes across as comfusing or not...
maybe a little confusing but when sung seems like it could work as is with the right phrasing on the word Walker, Old Dog Walker although Chris has a nice idea also about (old PAL walker)

I also like the idea of Walker just stepping off into the water and it's goodby


Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Hi Jim,

Hey -- didn't I once vote you off this island because you don't like dogs?! LOL! I have a tip I recently learned about barking dogs, and it works most of the time with my dog and visitors. If you don't look at a dog's eyes, he's much more likely not to bark at you! Apparently, if a dog is barking because he's fearful of you, then looking at him is very threatening.

Thanks for your visit! I've posted a rewrite, by the way!

Lisa

Hi Summer,

Thanks for your very good suggestion! I've been working on rewrites, and I used what you had, and variations of the heart stopping. But then, in the end, I did something a little different! I've now posted a rewrite of the lyric, but am still working on it! I'm hoping to give it to Joe at some point.

I love animals too....I'm glad this touched you -- the story gave me the chills when I first heard it!

Lisa

You know Webster has a dictionary and people might think that you're giving the definition of "old dog"

Hi Chris,

I agree with you about the fiction and non-fiction! I guess a non-fiction lyric boils down to trying to stick to the facts without losing the entertainment value!

I've done a first rewrite of the lyric, now calling him "Webster!" I went back and forth with the "old pal" because I really like that....and I may still change it back! But, I had also picked out "Webster" and got attached to it!

I mentioned in my rewrite intro that I talked to Joe's wife and she reminded me that the reason Joe had driven to Plum Creek that afternoon was because a neighbor called to say she thought the dog was dead, lying very still, I guess. I've added that to the story.

I agree with you about trying to flesh out the dog swimming to its death, but nothing I've come up with has worked very well. I'm posting this rewrite as my next step toward finishing this, but your words are still ringing in my head and I'm thinking, thinking!

Thanks for your help!

Lisa

There you go worrying about the story being accurate again Personal opinion, you fixed more than you needed to. I'd keep him as Webster and just change this verse.

When it came time for that dog to go
He led his friend to the big oak tree
Laid down to rest gazing up at Joe

Good luck, whatever you do.

Hi Brandon,

Thanks for weighing in here with your thoughts too! Yes, the others did have really good advice on this. I tried to take Stan's advice and give the dog a background story. In one of my attempts, I had that he'd once saved a drowning boy from the pond and now he was kind of a local hero. But...it just felt too unreal for a character that is real!
I've posted a rewrite, but as I've mentioned to everyone...I'm still working it!

Thanks!
Lisa

Hey Travis,

I hope you survived your swim! LOL! Also, this is the thing with you -- I'm talking dogs and you go talking elephants! I'm trying to write about a dog, okay, not an elephant, and you're getting me all confused! I'm confused enough about elderly dog walkers and all...

I'm being redundant about the fact that I've done a rewrite, but I'll say that I've done a rewrite and I did take the "mangy" out but added that his coat was full of grit and sand! Actually, though, the poor thing was, apparently, very mangy, with all types of lumps and bumps all over him!

Thanks for your big old elephant visit!

Lisa

Lisa,

Interesting song and blog......blog, blog, blog.....I think every nit has been mentioned.
I would (however) consider changing, "Old Dog Webster learned of more than land." .....to ".... learned more about man"

or

" that old dog learned the heart of a man."

I know what you are saying. But with confusion surrounding the story, it's probably best that you be less vague about what you are saying and (at least in this instance) say it like it is.

Over all, I love the story. Perhaps he could die on the shore of the lake or watering hole......I HAVE heard that dogs (among many others) can perceive imminent death and go to a place of comfort on their last walk. You taking the dog back there (or him taking us) is chilling.

Keep tweaking....This one is going places once the bugs are ironed out.
Nice write
Mike

Now I don't know what to say.
I was just getting to like Walker and now I have to get to know Webster.
This probably doesn't help at all but my friend had a farm that led down to the mouth of a river. He and I used to go down there with his dog to see if we could shoot some ducks.
One day he got one and it fell in the river. His dog (called Pete, not Webster swam out to get it and he grabbed it by the beak.
Now, the birds wings were outspread so it kind of interfered with Pete's paddling action. After a few minutes we noticed Pete was getting tired and was being taken out by the current.
My friend was getting frantic, calling out his name. "Pete leave it. Pete come here".
He waded out 'til he was up to his chest, still calling out for the dog.
I was screaming at him to get back to the shore, thinking he was going to get swept out too.
Never saw the dog again. He just wouldn't let go of that damn bird.
Was a sad day for all. Years later, before my friend died he had still kept the tie he had on which showed the water mark on it where he had waded in.

Now I'm totally confused.
Anyway, yours is a great story.
Vic

here's my thoughts, forgive me for jumping in....

Walker

Old Dog Walker lived out on Plum Creek
With a country man he shared those backwoods
The man moved away but THE mutt remained
Roaming the land his life stayed the same

Neighbors stepped in to fill up his bowls
He refused to stay with anyone long
He'd never known care at his master's hand
His thick GRITTY coat was loaded with sand

CHORUS
WALKER was tough
It was clear to all
He didn't need much
Old Dog Walker
Old Dog Walker

Plum Creek was sold to a man named Joe
He'd stay on long weekend getaways
Calming the growl stuck in WALKER'S throat
Joe took a comb to his tangled coat

BRIDGE
Six months passed by
And every weekend
WALKER stayed by Joe's side
Through the touch of Joe's tender hand
WALKER learned more about man

CHORUS
WALKER was tough
It was clear to all
He didn't need much
Old Dog WALKER
Old Dog WALKER

One day Joe heard THAT WALKER was dead
He rushed to Plum Creek and found him alive
Joe followed him down to the wooden pier
Walker jumped in...then disappeared

CHORUS
WALKER was tough
He didn't need much
Old Dog WALKER
Old Dog WALKER

Ending
Joe carried WALKER up
Buried him with his tender touch

I like what you've done with this Lisa, no white elephant, or dead elephant in some cases
Travis

Hi Lisa

1) I don't mind Old Dog Walker because I really like these double meanings where you have to figure out what it really means

2) As you are still writing this, why not have the old man die, and Walker spends his time looking for him on his land...then one day, "finds him" ...this could be the frame of the lyric, and packs a very powerful punch once people realize how faithful that dog was. A lot of the story can still be used, ie, the neighbours and the new owner can still be looking after him, but Walker is still not quite right, like something\someone is missing..

Hi Calvin,

Thanks so much for both of your posts and great suggestions, too! I like how you simplified the name in a lot of places....that does sound a LOT better! I see that you like "Walker" too -- I think it's a great name! Thanks for your help!

Lisa

Hi Bill,

Your dictionary comment made me laugh! I almost went with "Stalker" but I imagined you'd have all sorts of comments about THAT! lol! Thanks so much for your continued help on this!

Lisa

I wish you luck sorting this out. I hated rewriting, so I just decided to get it right the first time, lol.:)

Hi Blues,

Hey -- is "blog blog blog" code for "blah blah blah?"!!!! I'm on to your insults -- lol!

I like that "heart of a man" idea! And yes, dying on the shore is an option....but I was floored that he went under like that, right in front of Joe.

Thanks so much for your encouragement and help!

Lisa

Hi Vic,

Wow -- that's a terribly sad story! What a strange thing to witness, too....I'm glad that your friend made it through that ordeal! Such a vivid image with the dog holding onto that beak, too! And so sweet that your friend kept the tie.

By the way....we were visiting with Joe and his family this past weekend, and the day we were there, they lost their 17-year-old dog. She died in Joe's arms after being sick all week. That's how we got to talking about Walker. Anyway, I sent them your beautiful song, "Just a Dog," saying it would help them to heal! I still think you need to market that song like crazy! As I told you back in January, listening to it somehow helped our whole family after our old sheltie died (we've since adopted a seven-year-old spitz). Still, if anyone in my family says, "Just a Dog," --we all break into song!

--Lisa

Hey Travis -- Thanks so much and thanks for being the elephant in the room -- lol! -- Lisa

Hi John,

Thank you for your interesting thoughts on this! The tale you're telling would be very relatable to dog owners too. I know what you mean about "Walker" too. I still can't believe that meaning didn't hit me while I was writing this!
Thanks for your help!!!
Lisa

In V1 your second and third lines are 10 syllables. L1 is 9. If you like the name Walker, you could start it Old dog named Walker and you'd still have just 10 syllables which is probably workable. And after that the name would not be a problem.

Hey, Bill! I just heard this really great song about an old songwriter who doesn't mind REWRITING over and over and over.....LOL! -- Lisa P.S. I hit "submit" and then saw your other message -- that's a good idea -- but that would mean a rewrite... ho, ho! --thanks!!!

Like Your latest version...(Which still has One "Walker" to be edited-out..heh!)

"The old dog jumped-in then disappeared" I'll Sug..and
maybe adding a "Then" as a prefix to Your Last Line. KOS!

Very-Touching Story...Good Luck with it!

Best Wishes, Big Hugs, & a Wee FHS,
Stan

I said it was only partly autobiographical.:)

OH! I guess the non-autobiographical part about rewriting was about ME, Bill!!!

Hey Stan,

I thought I'd gotten that edit done yesterday -- thanks for pointing it out -- I fixed it! Also, thanks for the nice "then" suggestions!
I appreciate your visit and help!
Lisa

Post deleted by Bill Osofsky

GREAT -- I just thanked you for your intro rewrite over on the MP3 forum! Next time, include me a little earlier in the song process, please! -- Lisa

I have no idea what you're talking about. I didn't change my intro

Thanks Lisa for the comment.

Seems I'm not too good at marketing, and the people I know who say they are good at it only think they are.
Good luck with the song.
Vic

Hi Bill -- Intro, intro????? lol! -- Lisa

Hi Vic -- I'm working on marketing it for you in my neck of the woods! After my sheltie died, I contacted a sheltie rescue about adopting. I got into an e-mail conversation with someone there and I sent him your song. I also recently met a woman who runs a shelter for old dogs and she gave me her card and I'm e-mailing the link to your song! I think you need to get it to the huge dog lover underworld...the vets, the shelters, pet store owners...I envision your song being played at every dog funeral -- the equivalent of "Amazing Grace!" -- Lisa

Hiya Lisa

I have a suggestion to (IMO) smooth out this couplet

The man moved away but that mutt remained
Roaming the land he had always claimed

LISA--

I've always had DOGS--they show more affection than many people!

You have lots of great suggestions!

Good luck finishing this one up!

Mackie

Hi John,

That's a really NICE suggestion -- the land he had always claimed is a great image -- thanks! This one is still being sorted out, but I'm keeping your suggestion handy!

Thanks!
Lisa

Hi Mackie,

Yes, your comment made me think of the joke:

Question: How do you know your dog is nicer than your wife?

Answer: If you lock both of them in the trunk, and you open the trunk....which one will be happy to see you?!!

Thanks for stopping by!

Lisa

LISA--

I'M STILL LAUGHING!

Mackie

All this talk about re write Lisa. Why not just make a copy ?

(thank you Mitch Hedberg)

good rewrite Lisa and some good sugs from Riff for the next rerewrite.And one more name change wouldn't hurt,i'd never name a dog Webster,LOL!Vic,i think that duck wasn't dead and he just took a dive with that dog till he drowned!Keep on keepin' on!Mike

I love that joke, too, Mackie! No matter how you look at it...it's just SO true! -- Lisa

Lisa, you may have to rewrite this again. It looks like that old dog won't die