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INNOCENT EYES
Copyright ©2004 Shayne Vaughan

Verse 1
Friday evening I knock on their door
Little Adam lets me in
His mother Mary is packing his clothes
And the toys he'll need this weekend
I grab him up and hold him tight
Turn my head so he won't see Daddy cry
It always breaks my heart in two
When I look in his Innocent Eyes

Verse 2
Adam waves as we drive away
Mary's tears start to flow
She slowly turns and walks back inside
Then he asks, "Why can't Mommy go?"
I just say she has things to do
'Cause he's too young to understand why
It always breaks my heart in two
When I look in his Innocent Eyes

Bridge:
I'll tell him the story someday
Why Mary chose not to stay
Her lonely nights were too long
My working late was hitting home
I still wish I could change things someway

Verse 3
Sunday evening we knock on her door
Mary forces a smile
I kiss Adam "bye", then he looks at me
Saying, "Daddy, can't you stay awhile?"
I grab him up and hold him tight
Turn my head so he won't see Daddy cry
It always breaks my heart in two
When I look in his Innocent Eyes
Sweet Innocent Eyes

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Good flow .Good story.Good song
David

Hi Shayne, poignant song. I would of liked to hear maybe the hook a little more, perhaps you will do this in recording..
Very nice write and such a common occurrence in these times,I like the way you project the saddness from both party's.
I would of said you would turn his head from his "mothers tears" on leaving as you would be very happy to be collecting him, unless you were sad for missing her?
And then from your "fathers tears" when you drop him back off.
Liana

Thanks!!



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Thanks much!!



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Thanks Liana,
Good point regarding the tears...the singer regrets the entire divorced situation, as stated in the bridge, so he does miss her too.

Also, the mother's tears are expressed in verse two.

Appreciate the critique!!



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I really enjoyed this lyric...no nits...would love to hear the music to this...can even picture Tim McGraw singing this.

Keep it coming!!

Shayne:
Good write. I like the idea that the boy is a victim of a regrettable circumstance that he can't understand yet. In the bridge, maybe you could paint the picture more clearly that it was the fault/responsibility of both Mom and Dad. I came away from the bridge feeling like Mary had walked out and was the "bad guy" in this situation. Maybe also try substituting 'mommy' for 'Mary' - that might keep it more focussed on the perspective of the boy.
Best of luck,
D

Dad's fault was that he worked late too much



The story is not told from the boy's perspective; that's why I chose to use Mary instead of Mommy, except in the boy's quote.

Thanks for the read!

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[This message has been edited by shayneman (edited 08-23-2004).]

[This message has been edited by shayneman (edited 08-23-2004).]

[This message has been edited by shayneman (edited 08-23-2004).]

When you talk to Tim, put in a good word for me


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i'm a big fan of lyrics that tell a story....you did an excellent job on this one....very emotional!

revwholf

Thanks!!

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Good job Shayne.That one will hit close to home with a lot of folks for sure. Just for fun, try "mary's upstairs packin his clothes and toys for the weekend"......may be easier to sing. Just a thought from a fellow Kentuckian.........TonyW in Louisville

Thanks Tony



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I have been reviewing songs for a few hours now, and I have to honestly say this is one of the best songs I have read..anywahere. I got shivers down my spine when I read this. I pictured the music as being an acoustic feel, sung by a baratone with a really low, ringing tone to his voice. Here is why this song takes the cake (or pie, or ice cream, or any other desert I could really go for right now)

1)The rhyming scheme is eprfect. Nothing sounds forced, everything flows really well.

2)"I grab him up and hold him tight
Turn my head so he won't see Daddy cry
It always breaks my heart in two
When I look in his Innocent Eyes"

By refering to these two lines, you bring the audience back to the most important part of the song..the innocence in a child's eyes. Absolutely well done.

3)Verse 2
Verse two sealed the deal for me. You really express the innocence of a child, especially with these two lines,
"Then he asks, "Why can't Mommy go?"
"'Cause he's too young to understand why"

4) the bridge was very well done. However, if there was a weak part in this amazing piece of art, it would be the bridge. Here si a suggestion, just to increse the emotional atmospohere..You could have people in tears at this point if you present this correctly,

"I'll tell him the story someday
Why Mary chose not to stay
Her lonely nights were too long
My working late was hitting home
When he's older then he'll see
What he really means to me
I hope someday, he'll understand
I'm not a god, I'm just a man"

Wow....i don't know, to me, adding that last four lines, especially


"I hope someday, he'll understand
I'm not a god, I'm just a man"

really adds to the suffering the father is going through, and the pain he feels when he looks into his son's eyes.

5)Verse three was just as incredible as verse 1 and 2.

I think a lot of people here, especially me, can learn a lot from lyrics as well planned and thought out as these are. Awesome work.

If this is a true story, You sone has a very special father.

I don't know much about being a dad, i am still a few years away from that, but I do know that this is a great song. Congrats.

Wow...what can I say? Thanks for the tips and the incredible review!!

This is a true story; this happened when my son was only 1 1/2...it has a happy ending in real life. After four years of being divorced, we resolved our differences, got back together, and raised our son. He will be 18 next month.

I recently improved the lyric, from its original 1990 inception. I made a demo back then, but didn't get a copy of the music only track, so I need to re-record this.

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Howdy Shane!

This is killer!! Really tugs on the heart-strings! I bet you'll do well with this one!

Kudos!

"Uncle" Chuck Crowe

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http://www.chuckcrowe.com

Thanks Chuck,
It's ironic the positive feedback I've received on the forums...yet this song has been pitched to many publishers in its original form and was rejected.

Perhaps my recent lyric improvements will make a difference when I record a new demo.



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This is well written - Many song in this vain make me go, yuk - but this didn't - so it must be what they mean when they say "moving". Good song.

I was drawn in by end of the first verse, which is good. You only have a few precious seconds to pull your listeners in. Great song....

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DaVinci

Thanks Py!!

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Thanks Da Vinci!!

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Wow, So dreams really do come true, what a beautiful ending!

Hi shayneman
It seems that the lyric are very personal so I really felt the pain as I read
along.You have a great way to tell a story

Hope I never end up in a situation like this.

All the best
Jan Petter

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Music is sounds put into a system.Add an emotion and the system becomes personal.
http://www.broadjam.com/jps

Oh man,Shayne!...you sure did hit home with a lot of us here...i can relate so well.This song works the old heartfeelings and it works them well.This is definately Trace Atkins material for sure! I hope you plan on demoing this and submit to some publishers.I think you have written a hit here.If it sounds like i am praising you for it,i am! Go do it son!lol
David

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Thanks



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What was Trace's phone number again?


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shayneman:

Real nice lyric, flows well great story. Very, very, sad, I hope this is not your personal story. All of these people are in deep rooted pain and it is something so many people have to endure these days.

Jerry


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Thanks Jerry. Yes, this is my personal story, but it has a happy ending as we worked out our differences and raised our son together, as it should be.


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