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Here's my first post tell me what you think. Honest opinions please. It's a sensitive song, but I'm not a sensitive man. lol.

Day Dreaming

Day dreaming in the corner of my mind
Day dreaming of the things that I long to be mine
Day dreaming of the things we can do
Day dreaming of me and you

Everyday for me is a struggle
Trying to maintain my sanity
Thoughts of you constantly surrounding me
I can’t escape those haunting eyes
That devilish smile of yours Oh My
You pout your lips
I can’t resist
Caught in a whirlwind of confusion

I remember the very first time
I realized you were all mine
Like a dream come true
I finally found you
I’m so happy with my day dream

Day dreaming in the corner of my mind
Day dreaming of the things that I long to be mine
Day dreaming of the things we can do
Day dreaming of me and you

You arrived right on time
Gave me everything that I need
I’m so caught up in your love
I can’t get enough
My whole world will crumble if you leave


Day dreaming in the corner of my mind
Day dreaming of the things that I long to be mine
Day dreaming of the things we can do
Day dreaming of me and you

Now I know sometimes I space out
Lose touch with reality
That’s a benefit of your love
Because I have you here to ground me
I won’t ever leave your side
Forever in the depths of my mind
Here I stand, all that I am
A product of my day dreams

Day dreaming in the corner of my mind
Day dreaming of the things that I long to be mine
Day dreaming of the things we can do
Day dreaming of me and you

copyright © 2006 Kyon Murrell

Have you got the girl or not? ("Day dreaming of the things that I long to be mine" vs "I remember the very first time I realized you were all mine" I'm a little confused!

If you're saying that she's yours when you day dream you need to be a little more careful with your words, e.g. a dream can't be "Like a dream come true"

This subject of lyric needs to either have a really good tune or it needs to be really clever with the words if you want it to stand out from the millions of others,e.g.I like the idea of:

"I can’t resist
Caught in a whirlwind of confusion"

but how about playing with the words more,e.g rhyming "resist her" with "twister" or just throw in an extra rhyme, e.g.

"I can’t resist as I twist
in a whirlwind of confusion"

Not a full critique but just a couple of points that particularly struck me

Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate the critique, will definitely work it into my re-write.

I like the concept and a lot of the lryics. I found myself wanting to know if the girl was a real girl the singer imagines the he wins, or is the girl just a pure figment of his imagination.

Just and idea..
Since the contents of a daydream are not bound by the chains of reality, you could really let yourself go wild on this.

Where would he take her on a date,
what restaurants would they go to
how many waiters would it take to carry what they ordered
what countries or planets would they visit
what famous or fictional people would they meet.


I think the song has the singer wandering near the the cliff of insanity. day dreams that seem to take up more and more of his real life. Just an idea, but maybe the song should give a stronger indication of whether he will fall off (reality becomes a pesky nuisance that interferes with his daydreams) or he faces up to reality and tries to get the real version of the girl.

Hi Key,
Welcome to the board , if I didn't already do that,
I like your C. Seems like a good title and idea. I like the story, but needs
tobe a little plainer unless you want to leave it somwhat "mysterious"
I don't know too much about R& B and even less about neo-soul, but I'll express a couple thoughts.
Yeah, a little uncertain whether you got thegirl or not. In some genres, that all right though.
Come of the corresponding V lines seem like would be difficult to sing to the same melody , as is customary in most genres,
Being as the last line of V 2 , "nesr rhymes" back to the 4th
I'd like to see the last line of V 1 do the same. Maybe something like ----"Love's whirlwind takes me to the skies",not meant to be a line,as is, just a thought.
Good luck with it
Wy