JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 The Porch

Written in California debuted in Okinawa, very country, i'll do an mp3 tonight or so.
The Porch

I sit upon my porch all day
i'm thinking about my wife
some say i should go inside
and get on with my life,

chorus
but they just can't see
what can happen to me
while i'm rocking back and forth
just sitting on my porch


verse 2
i'll sit upon my porch for now
i've got beer i have to nurse
i can't find a way to waste my time
that don't keep me from her

chorus
but they just can't see
what can happen to me
while i'm rocking back and forth
just sitting on my porch

I'll sit upon my porch today
my thoughts are more pristine
when i find time to mature
she won't be here with me

Chorus
but they just can't see
what will happen to me
while i'm rocking back and forth
just sitting on my porch

but they just can't see
what has happen to me
while i'm rocking back and forth
just sitting on my porch

(c) BIXBY

Hey Steve,

Nice write!

This:

"i can't find a way to waste my time
that don't keep me from her:

had me scratchin' my head...is he trying to find a way to NOT think of her? ...if so, wouldn't

"i can't find a way to waste my time
that'll keep my thoughts from her"

or something comparable, be more easily understood?
It's the "can't" followed by the "don't" that throws me, I think...

--anyway, a minor nit in a real heartfelt lyric,

Yours is a deceptively simple looking chorus that tells so much about the singer.

Best wishes,
Mike

Hi Steve,

It's gotta be country if it has the word "porch" in it!!! Lyrically it works. The lyric line lengths are the same in the verses and chorus which can be a no-no since it's good to shake it up but if the melody really changes in the chorus, it might not matter. Wondering if a bridge would help and you could do the bridge in longer lines? Just a thought. You might want to change one little word that changes the meaning in verse 2. You have:

i'll sit upon my porch for now
i've got beer i have to nurse
i can't find a way to waste my time
that don't keep me from her

Should you do away with the word "don't" in 4th line and say:

I'll sit upon my porch for now,
I've got beer I have to nurse,
I can't find a way to waste my time,
That keeps me from her.

And you could even add a word to fill in what may be a missing thought or beat like this:

I'll sit on my porch for now,
I've got a beer that I can nurse,
Still I can't find a way to waste my time,
That keeps my thoughts off her.

Just some ideas but I do think you have to get rid of the word "don't" there cause I don't think it's what your trying to say.

Best,
Lynn
P.S. I'll share a quick interesting LeJeune story. Andy called and guess what. He was wrestling this AM and fell into a colony of fire ants and got bitten alot and had to get epinephrine cause it was all red, itching and spreading and to prevent anaphylactic shock. Here I am worrying about mortars and it's the ants that get him. He's fine now.

Hey, sofe. Just wanted to let you know I read it and liked it, despite a few glitches that may have already been addressed. I'm running on fumes here.
Later, bud.
Ben

Mike,

You are correct, it works so much better that way. i like it and although you left for a while because of the KOS thing. i am keeping it. if it gets great reviews i'll throw you under the proverbial train too. fair?

thanks for your read and crit.

-steve

Lynn,

Thank you for your read and crits, i am going to change that line.. it has bugged me for a while, and my stubbernness has kept me from it. the chorus souds nothing like the verse. shouldn't be an issue.

anaphlyatic shock is what kills most of the people stung by scorpians. Those fire ants are no joke. (i hate them) i hope he laughs this one off and quits wrestling in giant ant hills. be good lyrical goddess.

-steve

ps mortars aren't really that dangerous. it is a pot luck thing, un aimed ordinance with a kill radius of like 15 feet.
you almost have better chances at being hit by lightning.

Ben,

Get some rest Brother, thanks for reading, and taking a moment to crit. sleep well.

-steve

Hi again Steve,

I was never against, "keep or sweep" per se, but held it up for scrutiny and put it on trial. I do someimes feel queasy giving examples, but sometimes it's easier than speaking "conceptually" for paragraph after paragraph, and often zooming over heads in the process.

Plus, life is messy, people change...

Later,
Mike

I'm not quite getting this one. Is he a widower?

Hey Sofa!

Sweet, sorrowful story. I'm anxious to hear it !

Charlann

Hi,

I'm with Wolvman, wondering the same thing, but maybe you want to keep us wondering. I was waiting for the music to comment, but think the lyric is a simple statement of emotion (which we fill in). I'm also wondering if the title would be more appropriate as "My Porch"...makes it more personal and that's what you have in the lyric...just a thought.

Kristi

My take

I sit upon my porch all day
i'm thinking about my wife
some say i should go inside
and get on with my life,

chorus
but they just can't see
what happenS to me
while i'm rocking back and forth
just sitting on my porch


verse 2
i'll sit upon my porch for now
i've got beer i have to nurse
iT'S a way to waste my time
TO keep MY THOUGHTS from her (Mike's Suggestion)


I'll sit upon my porch today
my thoughts are more pristine
when i find time to mature
she'LL NO LONGER TORTURE me

Chorus
but they just can't see
what will happen to me
while i'm rocking back and forth
just sitting on my porch

but they just can't see
what has happen'ED to me
while i'm rocking back and forth
just sitting on my porch

Hope it helps

Cheers

HI sofa,
A good write. I thought it was plain enough, 'specially with the small change. I guess it could be taken a couple different ways
but that's not necessarily a "bad" thing. I don't see that--widower--can't get along with her or whatever, is all that important for us to know, but might be to some
I like it
Wy

Wolvman,


first, thanks for comming and staying long enough to respond... i wanted it to be general, the fact is they are just not together right now. and the only thing he can do is wait for her in the most comfortable place he knows.


-steve

Charlann,

i was a big lazy yesterday, and didn't record anything. i'll put this down tonight maybe you'll hear it within 12 hours..

thanks for the read and comment.

-steve

Kristi,


I wrote this back before i thought i may just be a song writer. i applied no craft , or thought that this was commercial.. i wrote songs, but i wasn't a songwriter. ... what i am getting at, is you are right. i accidently made it general, because a buddy told me his favorite thing to do was sit on his front porch, and drink "cold beer" and he always referred to it as "the porch" vise "my porch" perhaps i should change the way i sing it in the song. hmmmm.
thanks for reading and commenting.

-steve

Noel,

thanks for the read and adjustments, it is a lot smoother that way. between you and mikes suggs i think this thing may be licked.

-steve

Wyman,

thanks for looking and responding. I think that you are right. that particular detail is not necessary. (every rose has it's thorn) never said why the woman left, she just did. cheers,

-steve

All,


I have recorded this, and it seems to have turned out okay. let me know if you would like to hear it.

-cheers
steve

lynn,

i feel as if i didn't give you credit for your input. I used a combonation of yours, Mikes, And Noels sugs, and in the end i recorded it Noels way. Which still had sugs from you and Mike in it. thank you.

-steve

LOVE to hear it, Steve...

on it's way Mike.

Hey Stevo!

I have some thoughts...but I'm gonna wait til I hear this with melody to send them your way. The music may change my mind. (hmmm...that sounds like a song hook...lol)

I like it...just had a sug or two (possibly)

Catch up with ya later!

Bree

HiDee SofaGuy, & Thankee! JUST had time to hear the Demo ya sent me Once..this AM..& "The Night That She Said 'Yes'" sounds Very Good, Amigo! Kicks Butt/I'm Happy with it!!! (& Appreciate Your Time-Invested, too...&..THANKS for the Kind Mix-Minus as-well!)

Hope Life's gettin' Settled there for ya & Music-Makin's coming Easier!

This Lyric's sparse, but Dandy. Reminds me of an ol' Rolling Stones Song that Chorussed: "I'm just sittin' on a fence/You could say it makes no sense/Tryin' to make up my mind/Really is too hard I find/ So I'm sittin' on a fence."

"Saved" by some great Keith Richareds Guitar Work..heh!

Your Guitar sounds pretty good, too, Amigo! My crit on these words here is sorty same as the Stones Song: Not MUCH Goin' On.

But...sometimes.."Spinnin' Wheels" IS What It's All About.

Good Luck with a Good'n', & THANKS for the Demos, Amigo!

Big Guy-Hug,
Ol' Stan

Bree...

Sooo good to see you are back, i sent you a pm, i hope you got it. i look forward to hearing your sugs. is this posted somewhere? ... i'll just send it to ya. is that alright?

-steve

That will be just peachy!!! Lookin' forward to hearin' it! & yes, I got your pm...& I sent ya one back!


Bree

Stan,


Glad to hear you got the Demos. I hope it was all you wanted. i am steadily making progress with my recorder, and now i have this great drum machine, all i want to do is record music all day. i have access to a piano now, so i am going to see how rusty i am tonight.

this is indeed a "dock on the bay song" there is nothing going on. it is discriptive in the fact that it is non discript. he is alone, and "wasting time" . Plenty of songs made it alright with that premise. plus it is the story of my life. for the last 15 years all i have done is get sent away. that is all i know, is that there is nothing you can do about missing someone. thanks for comming back brother.

Big Marine Corps Hugs
-steve

Ah, I get it now. this verse, and the last line of it threw me:

i'll sit upon my porch for now
i've got beer i have to nurse
i can't find a way to waste my time
that don't keep me from her


...I see now he is with her, but only in his mind, when he has his time alone on his porch.


one sug:

i'll sit upon my porch for now
i've got THIS BEER TO NURSE
i can't find a way to waste my time
that don't keep me from her

Good emotion you have on this one, slow, steady, rolling emotion all thru.

Hi Sofa,

I enjoyed your demo; reminded me a little of Wilco, musically...you get as nice sound on your voice, the singing and guitar are decent...this is a good enough song to take to the next level, imo.

I hear the tempo a tad quicker, and a real band backing you...

Later,
Mike

I couldn't find this demo. What is it?

Wolvman,

thanks for the re-visit, and comments,

I am emailing you the demo, (i can't access soundclick at all)

have a good-un,


-steve

Mike,


Thanks for your kind words. I would like to see where i can go with it. maybe when i get home.

-steve

Hey Steve yep I'd like to hear it.. but only when you got time to post no rush I still got to listen to the rest Trish posted..

Cheers

Hey Noel,

i don't know if you can download from sound click, (i don't understand streaming media sites, so i'll send it to you anyway.

-steve