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I posted the lyrics over in the lyric forum and they suggested I post the mp3. It's just me and my piano, though. Seems like most people have fully produced songs, so I hope it's kosher.

Remembering

The song will start automatically.

Remembering

I had just turned 10 when I saw the wall,
And I asked my dad what all the names were for.
My dad said "Son, they're for remembering."

Waving high in the air I saw the red, white, and blue,
And I asked my dad if it was special too.
My dad said "Son, it's for remembering."

I looked up at my daddy's face
And I wondered what it was about this place
My big strong dad's eyes fill up with tears,
And he held me like he'd done for all his years

And he wouldn't let go. No, he couldn't let go.
'Cuz he was remembering. He was remembering.

I grew up and I went off to life,
Found a real nice job and found a real nice wife
But I always called home, just for remembering.

A couple kids of my own brought my dad to town,
And when Grandpa talked all the boys sat down
To hear when he was young--He was remembering.

He said, "When I was young my daddy had to leave,
He put a uniform on and sailed out to sea.
My momma and me we really missed him bad,
And all night long I held a picture of dad."

"And I wouldn't let go. No I couldn't let go
'Cuz I was remembering. I was remembering."

Bridge.
"He loved his wife, and he loved his life.
But he loved his country, too.
When a man is called to serve,
It’s what a man has got to do."

He said, "A soldier with a flag came to our door,
And I asked my momma what it was for.
My momma said "Son, it’s for remembering."

She said, "Your daddy's gone, he won't be coming home,
But he sent you this for your very own
So you won't cry. So you'll remember him."

The grandsons' bedtime was coming soon,
But their grandpa had one more thing to do.
He took his boys in his arms and held them tight,
Kissed them on the head and said "Goodnight."

And he wouldn't let go. No, he couldn't let go.
'Cuz he was remembering. He was remembering.

redvass: Man this is very very nice! This song is perfect "as is" in my opinion. Song is layed out nice. Touching song.
Steve

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=642220

Thanks Steve! I've been kicking around paying for a demo with some real musicians but I'm a newbie and don't know where to get a good demo done without paying an arm and a leg. Any suggestions?

I think the idea, arrangement, melody and hook are all working together. You do have a room to improve the lyrics. You use the life/wife twice for instance and in each case, they were not very effective so I would revisit the lyrics and see if you can get something more compelling.

"I grew up and I went off to life,
Found a real nice job and found a real nice wife
But I always called home, just for remembering."

This entire section is weak and probably not even necessary because it really does not contribute to the main idea. Nobody says, ..."I went off to life" That is just not how people talk.

It is hard to tell how many generations you are spanning in this lyric and if you could focus on you and your dad, it would be a lot easier to follow. The first part of this lyric was right on focus and very effective, then you kind of strayed off the path.

The good news is, you have a really fine working idea and for the most part the music is working quite well.

I appreciate the feedback, Samuel. I added the bridge last because I felt like the verses should be broken up a bit, but do you think it is necessary to have it in there?

I've wrestled with the generations thing as well. I would really like to portray the grandpa with his grandsons somehow, but I know what you mean about it being a little confusing. I'll take some more time with it. Thanks for your time.

redvass,

I think the way you set up the memorial wall with the kid asking about it, is very strong and is something you should return to. That is called the "thread". Here is the "heart" of your song:

I looked up at my daddy's face
And I wondered what it was about this place
My big strong dad's eyes fill up with tears,
And he held me like he'd done for all his years

And he wouldn't let go. No, he couldn't let go.
'Cuz he was remembering. He was remembering.

You didn't explain what you meant by "he wouldn't let me go" but I think you missed an opportunity to use "letting go" later when it is necessary to "let go" of someone lost to war. That is the kind of "thread" I am looking for in a good song. If you have ever read "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens, you will see how various threads are woven into a story so that at the end you are saying "Wow!" Now in this story, I am expecting a "Wow" moment which is called the "payoff". I didn't find one. In my opinion, after the story about the wall, everything else should be rewritten. I have some ideas but I have found that no one really wants to be told what to write. It's your story. You would have to explain in lay terms what this is about or what you want it to be about. Right now, except for understanding that the boy's father is remembering someone at the Wall, I don't know what the point of the rest of the story is. You may just have to tell us what you wanted to say, or admit that you were fishing for a story- whatever the case, try to keep the story on one theme and focused. When someone says you have a couple of stories going on in a lyric, they are politely trying to tell you that you need to stick to one story.

Thanks for taking your time on this. I see what you mean. I wrote this song for a local Veterans Day program, the goal being to honor them, their memories, their sacrifice, and their families. The generations remembering their predecessors was a strong message for the group I performed it for.

I don't claim to be great at this, so I'm up for suggestions. Perhaps if you wanted to email offline it might be better? I'm happy to continue here as well, your call. I would like to tie the generations together somehow.

I also think this is a very great song. I would love to put some strings background to it, but it is absolutely beautiful, and when I make a compilatioon patriootic cd later, would you let me put it on? Your voice is beautiful.

Wow, thanks Hank. You can download it from the link above and listen away! I'm flattered. I'll post a produced version once it's done (once I find the right demo people to produce it!)

Excellent ... Not much more to say... has hit written all over it

cheers

Noel

You could ask these Guys

www.echoprojectstudio.org

They do good work but it takes time

Cheers

Hi Redvass,

Nice to meet you! What a beautiful lyric. Has me all choked up. You have a real nice voice. I think this has much potential. I would strongly suggest having this professionally demoed!!!!

One lyrically weak spot would be this verse:

I grew up and I went off to life,
Found a real nice job and found a real nice wife
But I always called home, just for remembering.

Possible suggestion:

Well I grew up and went on with life,
Found a real good job and the sweetest wife,
But I always called home, just for remembering.

Again, I would invest in a demo and then pitch away. This is worth the investment. This is very very good in both message and melody!!!!

Best,
Lynn

Thanks Lynn. Good suggestion on that verse, too. It's been weak and that's a good way to smooth it out. I appreciate the feedback as well.

By the way, are you in PA? I'm near Harrisburg.

Read your bio and how this song just came too you. I have that happen quite often w/my songs. I really love your song and I hope you pursue it. If it came to you that way, it must've been for a reason!

Your patriotic neighbor,
Lynn

me again. I just sent you a private message on your JPF email.

Thanks again Lynn. I sent you a PM as well.