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néomÃ
by Gary E. Andrews - 07/24/26 08:58 PM
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Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 197
Serious Contributor
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OP
Serious Contributor
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 197 |
Without You
Everyday, always on the run
Want to have some good old fun
But I don't...and I won't...without you...
Saturday sunrise, loving you slow
Your eyes smile, we don't let go
No we don't... and we won't...our love's true...
Hate to leave when the bills say go
Want to play hooky, take life real slow
But I don't... and I won't... with out you...
Holding you is like drinking sweet wine
Long busy days never have enough time
No they don't...and they won't... I miss you...
Think about selling this place in the heights
And buying one way tickets to paradise
But I don't...and I won't...without you...
How I wish Mondays would never come
We have our troubles, but we'll never run
No we won't... and we don't... our love's true...
A warm loving fire of passions desire,
Has taken us higher than ever before
Now I do...and I will... I love you...
© 2007 Daniel Meehan
--------Songdog-------
Last edited by Songdog; 12/12/07 04:07 AM.
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Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 407
Serious Contributor
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Serious Contributor
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 407 |
Songdog, I'm not sure how to read this. Is it seven verses? Is there any variation musically in the verses? If not, by the sixth verse I'm getting bored. I like the sentiment, your rhyme, and the verse structure. A few things that struck me: 1. "always on the run" I immediately think: "from what? the law?" could change to "Every morning starting on the run" 2. Verse 2 I like 3. Verse 3 is basically a rehash of verse 1. 4. Now that I look through the song you basically go back and forth between work obligations and wanting to stay in bed and make love. Maybe combine some of the work verses and love verses and change love or work rythmically to provide some variety. or make one a verse and one a chorus. Also, if its just the two of them, why not leave the heights and find paradise? Or did he find paradise in the heights of their love? (I like that.)  Laura G.
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 374
Serious Contributor
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Serious Contributor
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 374 |
Songdog its been along time,like this but its too lenghty.good song.
odk
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,697
Top 50 Poster
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Top 50 Poster
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,697 |
Daniel,
I love alot of what you're saying here, but it needs better structuring. Try telling us in the first 6 lines or so how you're feeling about leaving your love to go to work, as you have, then give a bit of a lift to a nice chorus...Then finish it up with a nice 5-6 line chorus that punches the hook in real well...then a few more lines, a bit of a bridge(instrumental) and a final chorus? Just needs to be in a more universally accepted structure. But, that said, I love what your saying and the way you say it. Keep workin' this...it will come along just fine.
Jan
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