JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 2 Lipstick On His Collar

Lyrics
Verse 1
Every Friday night at the window, I get a glimpse of Mr. Jones,
He gets all dressed up for dinner, then he sits to eat it alone,
He gets out the 45 records, for their old phonoghaph,
Just why does he do that, my next door neighbor asked.

Vesre 2
I said the Mrs's passed last winter, on a cold November day,
Except for Friday night now, Mr. Jones is doing OK,
You see Friday night was their night, and it don't do no harm,
He plays "Waltze Across Texas", like he has her in his arms.

Verse 3
I told her I used to watch them, I had to take the chance,
They were 60 years together, and it didn't stop the dance,
She'd always kiss his neck, while dancing in the parlor,
She kissed, and left her lipstick on his collar.

Bridge
It's Friday night again tonight but it looks like no one's home,
The lights are out, the curtains drawn, and I don't see Mr. Jones,
Where's he at I have to know, so I get on the phone,
Then I found out he left here, but he didn't leave here all alone.

Verse 4
They told me Mr. Jones had died and he's been gone a week,
It was late last Friday night, that he went peaceful in his sleep.
They found him sitting in his chair, all dress up in the parlor,
But they couldn't understand about, the lipstick on his collar.

Bridge 2
They said the phonoghaph was playing, repeating the"Tennessee Waltz",
He was clinging to her picture, it was missing from the bedroom wall,
I know she came for him, "Together Again", and I'll bet you a dollar,
That she smiled and then, she kissed and left, her lipstick on his collar.

Nice complete, detailed and visual story I would just be concerned that it may be a bit long though.

WOW! Very intriguing write, you kept my interest and then I got chills when I read verse 4!!!

very nice story I think if you condensed it and focused on the hook a tad bit more it could sparkle more

Thanks, I'll give it my best shot.

HiDee Again, Mz Gale!

Spoo-Kay...yet a fine Love Story, if ever there was!

What Gary Said...ya needs to condense-a-bit...say The Same Thing in Less Words.

V1 Sug f'rinatance:
Each Friday, out my window, I glimpse Mr Jones
All Dressed-Up for Dinner, he sits..eats it alone
Stacks-Up the 45's..on..his old phonograph
"Howcome all the Music?" my nextdoor neighbor asked

'Said his Mrs passed last winter, cold November day
Except for Friday nights, the ol' guy seems O.K.
That was their night-together, He'd take her in his arms
Now he plays Waltz-after-Waltz, but..it don't do no harm

(77 Words..vs..96 as-penned.

V3, the "her" is uncertain who Her Is...so I'd recommend sheddin' some words & just say "I used to watch them..had to take the chance"

Overall, Fine Plotline...Good Writing..keep at it..& Good Luck!

Big Hugs,
Stan

Hi

The title pulled me in as it is very similar to that of the classic “Lipstick On Your Collar”. This is certainly a sweet little lyric and sufficiently different from the hit. The only part I would be tempted to revisit is the dollar/collar rhyme, this does sail pretty close to the other song.

Nice write, I enjoyed this

Nige

Sweet!

well done have fun,
John

Thanks You'all, I'll be trying to condense it a little later. Still trying to learn how really, and still say what I'm trying to say. Been doing alot of reading, "I'm" a work in progress.

'Still a work in progress'...aren't we all...I know it is hard to condense the words when they all mean so much to you...but I can see where you can shed a few and not lose any meaning (like TampaStan's suggestions) If I gave you my suggestions I would probably screw up the meter...LOL! (MY BIG ISSUE) So, I will spare you that but I do think you have a real good one here...keep plugging away at it. vicki

Thanks Vicky, That's exactly what I do, when I condense I have alot of trouble trying to get the meter, so I wait and try and get alot of feedback, and try out the suggestions, and go from there.

I love this Nightingale! Excellent!

Yes, very chilling and touching. Now I’m teary-eyed.

This will make a wonderful song.

Best, John

I love songs like these...reminds me of the garth brooks song"Beaches of Cheyenne"(i think thats what it was called)kinda of eerie,yet heartwarming...a very good and intriguing combination to me!

Oh My Gosh!!

This one really pulled at my heart! It is so touching and really got me at the end. Very creative.

Gail

Thanks John, I appreciate you comment.
Geneva

Thanks Michelle for your comment.

Thanks Gail,
Glad you liked it.
Geneva

Geneva,
I really hope this finds the perfect tune. I love it and I want to hear it.

good luck,
John

John,
Thank you for your kind remarks.
Maybe someday it will.
Geneva

Geneva,
I think you needn't worry about it at this point. Stick with the original bridge and when it comes to music the composer will be able to discuss altering the tiny bits that need adjustment.

It's the prettiest picture I've seen painted with words in some time.

Did I mention what a brilliant choice of structure you chose for this? AABA fits perfectly the tone perfectly.

Have fun,
John

You've got to find a chorus, especially to emphasize the title. It's either one of the existing verses, the bridge, or you have to write one.

HI VICKI,

No need to write a chorus ,but I would finish each verse with your title.

Whats Gary on about? Why a Chorus? it's long enough as it is perhaps Gary wants an fffing Novel.

Gen, what you need to do is condense it and leave enough time-space for a choruS

Well, what ever you do this is gonna be just great,love it from start to finish, made me cry and had me inching up closer to the computer and trying to read it faster...very good, my lady, you did very good...glyn

LIPSTICK ON HIS COLLAR was a big hit for Connie Francis in the 50's I think and is still played on the Oldies Stations today. If you could I would try to re-title the song.

Thanks John,
I relly don't want to loose the original bridge toooo much
to rewrite it.

Geneva

Gary A, Thanks for reading.

I think the chorus will be an existing verse in the end.

Geneva

Thanks Gary,

I've been going over condensing it in my mind, but I'm nowhere there yet without loosing too much of the song unless it takes another direction, so I'm giving it more time.

Geneva

Split level,

Finishing each verse with the title? Something I haven't considered yet. Thanks for your time and input.

Geneva

Split level,

Finishing each verse with the title? Something I haven't considered yet. Thanks for your time and input.

Geneva

Thank you Glynda for your time and kind words.

Geneva

Ray,
I may think about a new title when I feel ready to rewrite.

I'm realizing that title has been used alot. Thanks.

Geneva

Geneva,
you could change it ever so slightly. Maybe "Lipstick Kisses" for the title and lipstick kisses on his collar for the whole hook.

have fun,
John

Hello Geneva,
Your song moved me deeply. I felt it could be condensed and that the title could be slightly changed so as to remove it from being identified or confused with the past hit "Lipstick on Your Collar."

So, I did a bit of a rewrite out of sheer inspiration. You can keep or sweep any of it. I just enjoyed assisting (if I even did assist and you like any of it)

Blessings,
Heidi Thompson


Lyrics
Verse 1
Every Friday night at the window, I'd get a glimpse of Mr. Jones,
gettin' all dressed up for dinner, then sitting down to eat alone.
He'd get out the old 45s, just like they did most every week
I can almost see the color of her lipstick on his cheek.

Vesre 2
They were 60 years together, and it didn't stop the dance.
I felt inclined to join them, but only with a glance.
So many search a lifetime and never find the love they seek,
But Mr. Jones found happiness with her lipstick on his cheek.

Verse 3
His Mrs's passed last winter, on a cold November day,
But Mr. Jones still plays their song to remember her that way.
They loved to dance on Friday, and I'd always take a peek.
But, now he dances solo without her lipstick on his cheek.


Bridge
Friday night had come again, but no one was at home.
The lights were out, the curtains drawn, and no sign of Mr. Jones.
But, I heard the music playing and I saw a ray of light.
Something told me Mrs. Jones had come for him that night.

Verse 4
They say he didn't wake up from his after dinner nap.
Found him in his favorite chair, his wife's picture in his lap.
The phonograph had not been on, like it was most every week.
And Mr. Jones was smiling there with her lipstick on his cheek.

Hi Geneva,
Very good.
I'd agree with Heidi and some others about the title. The first thing that came to mind when I saw it was some kind of an "affair". Whereas he might miss lipstick on his collar in a coverup, Lipstick on his cheek, he wouldn't. That'd eliminate the first impression such as I got.
Good luck with it
Wy

John, I will play with the "lipstick kisses"

Thanks,

Geneva

Heidi,

Thank you for giving so much time to this song.

Really getting great ideas for a rewrite.

You guys have all been great!

Geneva

Wyman,

I like lipstick on his cheek or

Lipstick kisses on his cheek.

Alot said about the title,

definately needs changed.

Thanks,

Geneva

Hi, Geneva. I agree with Wyman. On his cheek makes more sense. He could have been wearing a shirt that still had the lipstick. I think you could leave out the neighbor. You mentioned finding editing a challenge. That's not unusual. They say Irving Stone was a great writer but had trouble editing his own work. (I think that is how he met his wife. She became his editor. Something like that.)

Anyway, I really like this story. It's very cool and if you don't mind, I tried my hand at editing it and added a little something, hopefully in the spirit of the piece. Keep the edits if you like them, no strings attached. Or, of course, toss them out as you see fit.

Lipstick On His Cheek
©2009 Geneva (Nightengale) (You should add a copyright notice to your works.)

Lyrics

Verse 1
Every Friday night at supper time, we could see old Mr. Jones,
He got all dressed up for dinner, but always dined alone.
Then he'd play some scratchy records on an ancient phonograph,
and waltz around embracing a gilt framed photograph

Vesre 2
His wife had passed last winter, on a cold November day,
and except for Friday nights, Mr. Jones still seemed OK,
Friday night had been their night, and we thought it did no harm,
for him to "Waltz Across Texas", like he had her in his arms.

Chorus
We used to see them,
when the shades were up by chance,
60 years together,
but still they loved to dance,
They waltzed every Friday
It happened every week
Then Mrs Jones stood on her tiptoes
and kissed him on his cheek.

Verse 3 or it could be a Bridge

They said he died last Friday, His arms wrapped 'round her photograph,
The record was still playing on that ancient phonograph
They guessed that he'd been dancing just like he did each week
But they couldn't understand why there was lipstick on his cheek

Chorus
We used to see them,
when the shades were up by chance,
60 years together,
but still they loved to dance,
They waltzed every Friday
It happened every week
Then Mrs Jones stood on her tiptoes
and kissed him on his cheek.


PS: You could say sundown instead of supper time.

Hey there Geneva!

How are you doing???

You know I have loved this, since I first read it. This is one of my favorites by you! You have been getting some fabulous suggestions for it. I do think it's a great suggestion about changing the title somewhat....that old song "Lipstick on your collar," does come to mind when you read this one...so I too feel it would be advantageous to possibly change it to "Lipstick on his cheek."

Best of luck to you with this one Geneva.

Kind wishes,
Gail

Thanks Gail,

I've gotten some incredible suggestions.

Geneva

Thanks Jean for taking so much time with this one.

I really like what you've done.

All my first songs were too wordy, now they are much shorter,

but many... are less clear to the reader.

Trying to learn to keep them short and sweet, but not leave

too much out now. That's my new challenge LOL!

I really appreciate your help.

I guess I should post the copyright, I hadn't thought to much

about it because they are date stamped on the site. I figured

I'm just a novice and they're just my words, so if somebody

stold them I would just write more, and I suppose if I wrote

something good enough to steal, I'm getting better.

I'm sure I'll use alot of your work in the rewrite.

Thanks

Geneva

You are very welcome, Geneva. Actually it was fun to play with the lyrics and you provided enough imagery to make editing fairly easy. You laid down a very good foundation for the song and had great ideas.

Yes, please do post your copyright. It's true that your works are date stamped and that your ownership of the work is valid without the copyright symbol, but it's still a good idea to post the copyright to let others know that the work is original and not public domain.

I remember very well the original song with this theme from half a century ago. This one has a much deeper and different meaning to it. To me the body of the lyric is just fine as is. It is somewhat reminiscent to me of some of the songs Mary Chapin Carpenter did on her albums outside of her major radio hits. This is someone I feel the song would be perfect for, although she wrote most of her own material. There are many lesser known folk-style artists whom it would be good for as well; you would just have to find one who doesn't almost exclusively write his/her own material.

Thanks Jean,

I actually did not know that the (c) would signify
to others weather it is original or public domain.

So much I need to learn!

Geneva

Beachnut,

I think Mary Chapin Carpenter or someone with her style could

do incredible justic to a song like this also.

Rewriting will totally change the way it sings to me,

and change what artists style fits it.

I guess it's a matter of what the majority likes if I

ever want to learn to write commercial. I call myself

novice but have gotten so into writing over the last

few months that I really want to learn.

Thanks for reading and I value your opinion.

Geneva