JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 Some Assembly Required-1st rewrite Sosnowski/G. Brown

Hi Everyone,

Here's some changes we have made to the song based on feedback that has been provided. Let us know if it works better. Thanks again for your inputs:

Some Assembly Required
© 2010 R. Sosnowski & G. Brown

Verse 1

It’s Christmas Eve again,
Got a tabletop tree and a dusty wreath on the door.
My mind takes me back to when
A thousand little toy parts were scattered across the floor.

Lift 1

On a cardboard box stenciled in bold,
These three little words that left me cold:

CHORUS

Some Assembly Required.
A handful of tools and the patience to do it right,
Give yourself time, this could take all night.
Some Assembly Required.
You struggle and curse and you work till the pieces fit,
Wanna give up but you don’t dare quit.
Some Assembly Required.

Verse 2

In high school, '94,
My pretty daughter all dressed up for the senior dance.
But her boyfriend doesn't show,
And shatters her illusion of a perfect young romance.

Lift 2

First time in love and sometimes it hurts,
Don't be discouraged, one day it'll work.

CHORUS

Some Assembly Required.
A handful of tools and the patience to do it right,
Give yourself time, this could take all night.
Some Assembly Required.
You struggle and curse and you work till the pieces fit,
Wanna give up but you don’t dare quit.
Some Assembly Required.

Bridge

Dinner at my daughter's house,
First time in years both her mom and I are there.
She says I can't take this broken family life,
Please don't leave until we clear the air.

Lift 3

Make this love new like it used to be,
Gather the pieces up, try them and see.

Final chorus

Some Assembly Required.
I think I've got the tools and the patience to do it right;
Give ourselves time, it could take all night.
Some Assembly Required.
We may struggle and curse but we'll work till the pieces fit,
You wanna give up but I won't let you quit,
Some Assembly Required.

Outro (Spoken Softly as song fades out)

We're leaving as a family tonight.






OLDER VERSION



Some Assembly Required
© 2010 R. Sosnowski & G. Brown
 
Verse 1

It’s Christmas Eve again,
Got a tabletop tree and a dusty wreath on the door.
My mind takes me back to when
A thousand little toy parts were scattered across the floor.
 
On a cardboard box in bold,
These words that left me cold:
 
CHORUS

Some Assembly Required.
A handful of tools and the patience to do it right,
Give yourself time, this could take all night.
Some Assembly Required.
You struggle and curse and you work till the pieces fit,
Wanna give up but you don’t dare quit.
Some Assembly Required.
 
Verse 2

In high school, '94,
My pretty daughter all dressed up for the senior dance.
But her boyfriend doesn't show,
And shatters her illusion of a perfect young romance.
 
When a teenage broken heart
Gets tossed and torn apart...
 
CHORUS

Some Assembly Required.
A handful of tools and the patience to do it right,
Give yourself time, this could take all night.
Some Assembly Required.
You struggle and curse and you work till the pieces fit,
Wanna give up but you don’t dare quit.
Some Assembly Required.
 
Bridge

Dinner at my daughter's house
First time in years both her mom and I are there
She says I can't take this broken family life,
Nobody leaves until we clear the air

It may take awhile and we'll probably get tired
And yes there has to be... 

Final chorus

Some Assembly required
I think I've got the tools and the patience to do it right
Give ourselves time, it could take all night
Some assembly required
We may struggle and curse but we'll work till the pieces fit
You wanna give up but I won't let you quit
Some assembly required.

Outro(Spoken Softly as song fades out)

We're leaving as a family tonight. 
 

Hey Roger. One little edit you might want to make...in the bridge it should be

Nobody leaves until we CLEAR the air

So, everybody, whatcha think?

Greg

Got it--nice catch. really need new glasses. LOl

Wow! NICE JOB, you two! This is a KEEPER! Great write!

Roger and Greg,

I love the stories told in the verses of this song, felt alot of emotion in all of them. I think you've got a great song here.

Just a couple things stood out to me, and it may just be me.

To me tools in the chorus fit v1 so well but pulled emotional impact from v2&3

I wonder if you'd concider something like "Tools of love and patience to do it right".

You struggle and you curse work till it comes together,
Wanna give up but you don't dare.

Then in the bridge maybe something like "please don't leave" rather than "nobody leaves"

Just my thoughts NICE SONG!

Geneva

Youall--

Patience, fortitude. and self control--not on a full moon--and time on your side--
A GOOD VIBRATION FROM THIS ONE.

WRITE ON YOUALL--

Mackie

Hi Roger. I really like the concept of this song and your story flows nicely. You may have to change some of the phrasing when you get a melody written for it, but I enjoyed it a lot.

Good stuff!

Carlos

Hi Polly,

Thanks for the kind words. I'm glad you liked the song. Take care,
Roger

Well-written, guys! Very visual lyric

say Roger this a hit to the heart!I'm likin' it.

Hi Roger,

This is a very nice story! I'll be looking forward to hearing it

Dottie

Hi Geneva,

Hey thanks for taking time to check out our song. It means a lot to us. And good suggestion as well. greg and I will talk them over. We changed a line before because it seemed too confrontational n and your sug's go along the same lines. Thanks again and take care,
Roger

Hey Polly, thanks for the enthusiastic response to this. We're thrilled you like it.

Greg

Hi Geneva. We appreciate the time you took to read our little offering here, and to share your thoughts. Roger and I like your idea about saying PLEASE DON'T LEAVE as opposed to NOBODY LEAVES in the bridge. Sounds much less demanding. We'll probably make a change after we consider other comments.

Thanks so much!

Greg

A GOOD VIBRATION FROM THIS ONE.

Hey, I like the sound of that. Thanks, Mackie, we really appreciate it!

Greg

Hi Carlos.

Thanks for giving our lyric a few minutes of your time. There may very well be a couple places where the wording could be trimmed or condensed. Any composer who tackles it would have free rein to make adjustments as necessary to fit the music.

We appreciate you stopping by, and are glad you liked it.

Greg

Shayne, Michael and Dottie:

Thank you all for your kind remarks! Your encouragement and support are much appreciated.

Greg

Hi Mackie,

Well anytime ya can get a good vibration that'sn a good thing. Glad you liked it. Take care,
Roger

Hi Carlos,

Thanks for checking out this song. I'm glad it worked for you. I wouldn't be surprised if there were changes if and when music was applied. Thanks again and take care,
Roger

Hi Shayne,

Hey thanks for stopping by and checking this one out. Glad you liked it. Take care,
Roger

Hey Boys,

Well I'm a bit torn on this one. While I love the concept, I'm not sure if the hook applies appropriately enough to the scenarios you present in verses 2 & 3. In my mind, Some Assembly Required suggests Building Something New. In that sense, then, the Christmas scene makes perfect sense.

BUT, in the two other situations, the pieces aren't NEW -- they've been BROKEN...and need putting BACK together. So perhaps if you played that out a bit... maybe say something about "putting back the pieces". Perhaps you could incorporate that into the Bridge somehow (I think what you have listed as the Bridge now is really V3). Something about "whether putting it together for the first time or when something gets broke, gotta pick the pieces off the floor, figure out just where they go"...or something like that.

Of course, this is JMHO, but I like the hook and the story enough to want it to flow seamlessly.

Good luck, and thanks for sharing...
Beth

Howdy do, Ms. Beth.

Thanks for giving this the once over for us. You make an interesting point about the title/hook as it applies to the second and third verses. I think if you look at it in a broad sense, it works well enough. But, maybe it's possible to incorporate some idea of [i]Some (Re-)Assembly Required[/i]. Roger and I will take another look and see if we can tighten that up a little.

Your insight is always welcomed and much appreciated.

Greg

Hi Greg & Roger,

This is a clever write and use of a very familiar line. My first impression as I read through the first chorus was a shared, “yes” I know what that feels like and I was getting a chuckle out of it. You set a nice tone there. Then, I read about a daughter being shattered by young love and I am now somewhere else…and the bridge also shares that serious tone. It doesn’t seem to bother anyone else, so it could just be me, but since you’re looking for feedback...lol...

I feel like maybe the tone of the verses could match the first verse a little more. You need V1 as is to make the hook work, so one thought could be to link the event of those verses to a similar tone as the first one. Maybe the daughter isn’t shattered…but something else and the last verse, maybe the fact that the family shows up at all for dinner is the catalyst where we’d know: “It may take awhile and we'll probably get tired”…but they’d be headed forward and I’d still be chuckling, but still appreciate the seriousness of the message.

Well, that was kind of long-winded…lol…just throwing that out there…! Good work, you two.

Kristi

Just a reminder that this is a new version Let us know if we did good--or bad. LOl take care,
Roger

Hi Beth,

Hey your opinions always mean a lot to me. While I looked at it as assemble means to put together to make whole, I can also see your point of view. Hopefully the changes we made kind of bridge the gap. We may not be done with this because Kristi brought up some good points as well. If you get a chance to look this over again let us know if we are going in the right direction. LOl. Or the wrong. Thanks again and take care,
Roger

This is a gem, Roger, we have to work hard on something, and put all the parts together to get our lives in order, and we will make mistakes, and jsut bitchin about it don't get it done, you got to go back to the drawing board and do it right the second or third time, but the final results will make even a tiny smile with glee. Superb analogy and lyrics as always.~~~MFB III

Hi Boys,

Good work. I think the change in the lifts made a big difference in connecting the second and third verses to the hook.

While I think Kristi's comments about the tone still have some validity... I'm not sure that the nature of the scenarios you're using would allow you to get much closer than where you already are. The first situation is more comedic and the second two much less so, but ultimately, they are all FRUSTRATING, and that's why you need to Build/Rebuild. HENCE "Some Assembly Required".

Look forward to hearing this one musicated. Thanks for keeping me in the loop .

Beth

Hi Kristi. I'm just now getting back to catch up on some more of the comments here. First, thank you, as always, for your honest appraisal. It really means a lot and no, it was not long-winded at all. It was very well thought out.

As for the tone of this one, the first verse, from my standpoint (Roger may see it differently) wasn't really meant to be amusing per se, but was intended to set the stage with a familiar scenario that many people can identify with (and smile at) and also to provide the verbiage link for the following verses. Our hope was that the tone was neither too flippant nor too somber, but somewhere in between. Essentially, the whole lyric is meant to say, In order for anything to work, you've got to work at it.

You may have noticed, we've posted an updated version of the lyric. I'm not sure it addresses the "tone" issue, but hopefully it helps us solidify the use of the title/hook.

Thanks again, Krisit! We do appreciate your insight.

Greg

Thanks, MFB. You seem to get what we were going for. Appreciate the feedback.

Greg

Hi there, your Bethness! Thanks for coming back. We'll definitely keep you in the loop on this. We took your earlier comments to heart and made the changes in the lifts that we thought would help us more appropriately employ the hook throughout the lyric.

You can see in my reply to Kristi that our intent was to convey kind of a middle of the road tone, not necessarily comedic, but also not too serious. Your use of the word FRUSTRATING and build/rebuilding relationships was exactly what we were shooting for. I'm thrilled you get it.

We're on the lookout for someone to wrap a tune around this, so stay tuned (ooh, did I just pun?) Thanks, Beth!

Greg

Hi Michael,

Glad you liked this one. Thanks for stopping by. Take care,
Roger

Hi Beth,

hey i'm glad you like the changes. You gave us the ideas so thanks for that. take care,
Roger

Hi Michael,

I'm glad you liked the song. Take care,
Roger

Hi Dottie,

Thanks for checking this one out. Music is on the way. ya!. I'm glad you liked it. Looks like I missed some feedback after I put up the re-write. yours was one of them. Sorry about that. Everyone's feedback is important to us. Thanks again and take care,
Roger

Hi Kristi,

Hey thanks for checking out this song. We appreciate it. Hopefully you like the rewrite better. WE tried to address some of the things that were brought up. We have an artist working on the music for this one so that should be exciting. Glad you liked it. Take care,
Roger

Hi Roger and Greg,

Love the rewrite, good song!

Geneva

Hi Geneva,

Hey at least we went in the right direction. LOl. Thanks for checking back on this. Hope your holidays are great. take care,
Roger

Just wanted to say that this read/flowed very easily and well. Great story IMO and very topical.

Great Job!

Doug

Hi Doug,

Thanks for weighing in on this one. Glad you liked it. Hope you have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year,
Roger