JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 Heartache Built For One

Heartache Built For One

I done watered down my beer
With tears and tears and tears
It's way too salty now to drink

My mind's startin' to stain
With pain and pain and pain
It's way too racked out now to think

So what have i become,i aint havin' a bit of fun
With this heartache,built for one
Happiness have i none,i'm comin' all undone
With this heartache,built for one

I see how hard you worked
Bringin' hurt and hurt and hurt
You built a real fine pile of misery

Now it's too late that i find
Killin' time and time and time
In this house of pain you built for me

So what have i become,i aint havin' a bit of fun
With this heartache,built for one
Happiness have i none,i'm comin' all undone
With this heartache,built for one

With this heartache,built for one

CATCHY Hook, CycleGuy!!!

Flowed Smoothly as I read it, too...

Onliest Sugs that came to-mind:

"Happiness I have none..." while less-poetic seemed more-Conversational/Easier to Sing.

And maybe this is too-comedic, but it came-to-mind: see if Ya can squeeze-in "In this house of pain you CUSTOM-built for me"...

KOS 'em, Good Buddy...Nicely-Done Sad One, Son!!!

Good Luck with it!

Best Wishes, BGH, and a High-Five,
Stan

PS: Think Ya meant "StRain" insteada "Stain" on that Pain-Pain-Pain Verse???? (If not, this'n's Sug Numbah 3...heh!)

PPSS: The "Now it's too late that I find" Verse kinda "Dangles" BUT if ya add a nice "I'M" at front of its Last Line ya get both an Extra Rhyme and a solution to the Dangle Problemo...JMO/KOS!

Final Afterthought: Put the "I'M" on the Line-Previous...;-)>

Hi Michael

I listen to you're biker song you done of Stan's, and I absolutely loved it, what champions you two are.

I love what you have, and Stan has offered you a great line their.

I'm not very good on criticing lyrics, not experienced enough hey. Sometimes I see things in lyrics, but I still got a long way to go, one day I hope I can just go: Here's my suggestions hah.

Goodluck.

Hugs Michele

Hey Michael,
Tweaks below, keep or sweep

I done watered down my beer
With lonesome-for-you tears
It's way too salty now to drink

My mind's begun to stain
With restlessness and pain
It's way too racked out now to think

So what have i become,i aint havin' any fun
With this heartache,built for one
Clouds have blocked the sun ,i'm comin' all undone
With this heartache,built for one

I see how hard you worked
To unload a lot of hurt
You built a real fine pile of misery

Now I'm anything but fine
And I'm only killing time
In this house of pain you built for me

Hello Michael,

You have a wonderful hook/title! Very original!
But I honestly think you had way too many words
in the lyric.
Shayne did a great job of snipping away the
unneeded words while still keeping the meaning of
the lyric and using your terrific hook.

Diane

thanx a bunch Other-Cycle-Guy!I'm likin' a few of those sugs.Mike

thanx for checkin' out the song and this lyric Michele,always appreciate your time and kind words.Mike

Hey Shayne,yeah,i thought about writing a complete sentence,like you sug,but i thought i would just write one like this to be different and get away from the usual.Thanx though!Mike

Hey Diane,i appreciate you droppin' in and your thoughts!Like i replied to Shayne,it would have benn to easy or predictable i guess to write in the same manner.i just like to change my writing up every now and then.Thanx a bunch!Mike

Catchy Mike, as Stan said.I like the story and Shayne's take on it too.
The opening three lines are killers!
Twavis

thanx a bunch Twavis!I'm shufflin' the sugs!Mike