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Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,985
Top 200 Poster
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Top 200 Poster
Joined: Jul 2013
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Aaron,
This one has a great feel - the melody and the production...
The idea is a good one. The first verse is less focused than it needs to be - you don't get a strong sense of who your character is - or why we care. Your 2nd verse does it right - we "get to know" Tom - and we care about him - and your chorus then takes on more meaning. You might consider using that (the 2nd) as the opening verse - and then developing that more positive theme in the 2nd - as opposed to "negative" aspect presented in the first...
Your chorus opens on a very "catchy" note! The "wordiness"/extra syllables thing later on detracts from it some (as others have noted). The third line kind of made me "scratch my head" each time - it doesn't really make sense to me - so each time it's a "bump" for me - I stop and wonder... while the song continues on without me...
I look forward to your next...
floyd
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