JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 Run, Habibi, Now Run! (REVISED)

Hi Donna,

This strikes a nice balance between details and allusion.

V1 is plenty detailed and creates a cinematic picture. You give just the right details so I know this girl addressed as "Habibi" did not do any killing herself, since the son was also killed. If the son wasn't killed or mentioned, I might think she killed her husband who was beyond abusive. I think "a husband and son" works better as "her husband and son" as this would have more dramatic impact than if some random husband and son were killed in her presence. IOW..it never occurs to me she is a "refugee," given the opening verse. I imagined her family was decimated in front of her eyes, and she ran to escape some unnamed gunmen.

In the chorus, I don't like her being "dragged" forward, since there's peril at hand, and it feels like she's moving slowly if she's being dragged forward (plus, wouldn't a metaphorical wave push you from behind?); but I like that it signifies reluctance. It's quite possible she doesn't really want to have to be leaving Syria.

With capital letters/on signs that inform her" sounds rather formal, to me. How's about something like "with big red letters/ on signs that scream" --but that kills your rhyme "border/inform her" -- "inform her" just sounds rather plain to me.

Love your bridge. "Human complaints" wants to be something even darker and deadlier, though, I think, but there's no way to do that and keep your meter. "Human bloodlust" goes too far the other way (while killing another rhyme..call me "Mr. Rhyme Killer" today. ). Plus you don't want to spell anything out too concretely..

I hope there's something in my vacillations that you can use, or springboard from!

Mike