Hi Nicodemus,

I'm new over here---well sort of. I somehow happened to stumble onto board three a couple years ago and then got in a rut! If I miss the mark too terribly over here---I'll just blame it on all the chocolate I've been eating lately ok? Or board three since nobody's looking!

Well, the hook leads me right back to those delicious---hershy kisses! No! Just kidding. I'll abstain long enough to try and analyze this from another pair of eyes perspective (and that's all I claim to be). The hook is short and sweet. Reminds me of one called "Just one Look". I'm not even sure though if that is a song. Maybe it's a jingle---but the tune started playing in my head right after reading the title.

The first verse sounds like it is being sung to a woman so I wondered if you might want say it like this?

One tender kiss
Just one kiss
YOU CAN warm my heart
With just one kiss

This seems like the chorus maybe. It's structured very different from the other sections so that should help with a melody. It is simple and focuses on just the kiss---seems to work toward putting emphasis on the importance of the kiss. I do think this might do better to come after the verse though. Unless you are wanting to paint the picture of this sweetheart walking toward his sweetie or getting ready for a date (I'm curious where he is when thinking about the kiss now). I know I'm nosey. But, listeners are nosey so I'm trying to help you get a sense of how the radio audience might feel while listening.

Ok, the first verse seems to be putting the singer with his sweetie already so I guess that answers my question. He must have been standing there with her or sitting on a grassy meadow or on a park bench (here I go getting curious again). Anyway, in this verse, it sounds like the singer is getting anxious for that kiss and maybe this is a first kiss. I'm trying to think back and I cannot remember anything that was said before my first kiss. But, if he'd told me something like this I'd probably have remembered it. So, hey, I'm not gonna suggest any changes there.

However, in the second verse I'm expecting to hear about all those possibilities. But instead, I'm hearing about the singer will step aside. Wait a minute. Not so fast I'm thinking. A girl wants to hear that the one who wants to kiss her would never want to let her go. (Now, she may not be thinking she wants to be tied down but she sure wants to think that the guy wouldn't just step aside!) Sure, they can find each other later---not likely though. Now, my husband did trek all the way over to Tennessee a year after we graduated but that isn't too common. And he never suggested he would step aside especially right after our first kiss. (And I know that's my assumption here---you can tell me how off I am when you respond).

Now, the last part might be a verse. I'm not sure. It isn't structured like the other verse (rhyme pattern and line lengths---not that the lines have to measure out equal but the beats need to be consistent line by line so the melody will work the same for each verse. Hope I'm making sense. (the chocolate is clogging my brain I'm afraid).

Ok, the last section before the tags is interesting. I'm now learning that the singer has an ulterior plan. And he's telling his sweetie about it. Not sure that sounds believable. I'm thinking that he would keep that plan concealed in real life. And just invite her to dance, etc. and maybe share some of the romantic moments with the listeners. I know it's too much for me too blush. I have not even written but one of these and I promise you that you'd be able to tear it to pieces (think the title was "Pucker Up" or something like that! Ha ha!

Thing is the singer can't tell his sweetie he's trying to trick her by kissing her under the stars till midnight until she decides to stay. That's what's going on in the singer's mind but I don't think that's what he'd say to his sweetie. He'd just try to do it, right?

Ok, almost done here. Just hold on another minute. The tags seem to turn the topic from kissing to Love. I'm thinking that is supposed to clue us in that the singer has found love. But, am not sure if that is the best way to do that.

Have you written this out as a story before? It might help you to decide exactly what you want to say in the lyric. What pictures you want to paint and all. (well, I never had the patience to do that sort of thing either!)

Structure is going to be important on the rewrite too. Have you chanted this or sung it out loud to a patterned beat? Da duh da duh da duh da duh. Or some other pattern. Each line can vary within the same verse---especially every other line. But, after the pattern is set in the first verse, all the other verses need to match that pattern. The chorus can be different like you have it and should be quite different so good on that! smile If you have a bridge it should bridge back to the chorus before the tags are added.

Hey, thanks for being a good sport and letting me practice my hand at a thorough critique. Now, tell me how I've messed up so I can get better too, ok?

Vanessa