redvass,

I think the way you set up the memorial wall with the kid asking about it, is very strong and is something you should return to. That is called the "thread". Here is the "heart" of your song:

I looked up at my daddy's face
And I wondered what it was about this place
My big strong dad's eyes fill up with tears,
And he held me like he'd done for all his years

And he wouldn't let go. No, he couldn't let go.
'Cuz he was remembering. He was remembering.

You didn't explain what you meant by "he wouldn't let me go" but I think you missed an opportunity to use "letting go" later when it is necessary to "let go" of someone lost to war. That is the kind of "thread" I am looking for in a good song. If you have ever read "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens, you will see how various threads are woven into a story so that at the end you are saying "Wow!" Now in this story, I am expecting a "Wow" moment which is called the "payoff". I didn't find one. In my opinion, after the story about the wall, everything else should be rewritten. I have some ideas but I have found that no one really wants to be told what to write. It's your story. You would have to explain in lay terms what this is about or what you want it to be about. Right now, except for understanding that the boy's father is remembering someone at the Wall, I don't know what the point of the rest of the story is. You may just have to tell us what you wanted to say, or admit that you were fishing for a story- whatever the case, try to keep the story on one theme and focused. When someone says you have a couple of stories going on in a lyric, they are politely trying to tell you that you need to stick to one story.

"Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein