I like this overall, Kevin. It's one of the best phrased songs I've heard from you yet. I can tell you are working with that. Lyrics meters really good, and the backing track is perfect. Before the redo I would suggest working particularly on the last line leading up to the choruses. The melody didn't seem well defined there, and caused you trouble, so work on defining a phrasing you like and stick with that.

Mixwise, I would pull down the vocal 1-2db to make it sit better in the mix.

But, it's worth working with this Kevin. You'll end up with your best song yet, I think! Singer/songwriter stuff with Neil Young influences are actually in high demand right now in tv/film land.