JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 2 Ugly Friend - with new verses

Hi all. I haven't posted here in a while so I apologize for not reviewing some songs before posting this. However, I had started a previous thread in the Songwriting forum about problems rhyming the verses in this song and felt it more appropriate to post the lyrics here.

I had sent the original version of this song to the NSAI evaluation service and the reviewer loved the song except for the fact that my verses didn't rhyme and the word "groom" was outdated. The problem with fixing that was that I had to come up with two different rhymes for the word "girl." As some of you know, that's not exactly an easy thing to do. Anyway, without boring you with more details, here's the original version of Ugly Friend (some of you may remember me posting this here last year)...

UGLY FRIEND
Copyright 2005 Van Borden

Does your friend, always win
When you both like a beautiful girl
Does he have, the cosmetic appeal
That you were never born with

When you both, join the crowd
Do the women all look at him
You groom yourself, but you know it’s no good
It’s like you’re not even there

CHORUS
You need an Ugly Friend
That’s the only way to always win
You need an Ugly Friend
So they’ll look at you
Instead of him

Have you stopped, inviting him
To go look for beautiful girls
Cause you know, if you let him go
You’ll just be wasting your time

REPEAT CHORUS

BRIDGE
Now I know this doesn’t sound like
A friendship that’ll be true
But why the hell, do you think
Your friend hangs around with you

REPEAT CHORUS

Below are the new verses that rhyme but I must admit to being concerned that the way I made the rhymes work might be references to things that are too obscure. If you are so inclined, please advise if you think they are too obscure or if they are actually clever. Naturally, I hope the latter the be the case...

NEW VERSE I
Does your friend, always win
When you both like a beautiful girl
Does he have, the cosmetic appeal
That makes you envious of a blind squirrel

NEW VERSE II
When you both, join the crowd
Your fate is already sealed
You smile and wave but you know it's no good
It's your destiny to be a third wheel

NEW VERSE III
You'd better stop, inviting him
To go look for beautiful girls
Until you do, they won't look at you
Unless they pound a few twelve ounce curls

Feedback is appreciated and I will make an attempt to review some other songs on a more regular basis.

thanks,

Van



[This message has been edited by Buzz Grudge (edited 03-04-2005).]

Hello again. After some more reflection, I decided that the reference to the blind squirrel in NEW VERSE I was an attempt to be too clever in a song that is pretty straightforward overall. So here is the new NEW VERSE I...

*******
Does your friend always win
When you both like a beautiful girl
Does he have the cosmetic appeal
That makes you wonder why it's such a cruel world
*******

I'm probably going to change the second verse a bit to make it a little better but other than that, this should resolve my rhyming issues.

Van

Howdy Buzz,

I think your basic hook is awesome but the arrangement of the thoughts and rhymes in the verses did present a perplexing situation for me too. I spent a bit of time with it, trying to see outside the box you had painted yourself into. Here are some observations. When you are struggling with a particular rhyme, it often works to switch the lines around and use a different thought for the rhyme. You are right in thinking that you are quite limted with rhymes for girl. So in this case I tried to used a different thought for the rhyming line. Did some extensive overhaul here but see if any of these thoughts can get you a new perspective to work with.

When you both like THE SAME girl
Does your friend always win
Does he have the cosmetic appeal
That makes you envious OF HIM
NEW VERSE II
When you both, join the crowd
Do the women all check him out
You CLEAN UP GOOD but what the heck
IT LEAVES YOU IN NO DOUBT

CHORUS
You need an Ugly Friend
That’s the only way to win (drop always)
You need an Ugly Friend
So they’ll look at you
Instead of him

WHEN YOU WANNA GO CHASIN’ PRETTY girls
DON’T INVITE HIM TO GO ALONG WITH YOU
Cause YOU KNOW THAT IF HE GOES
You’ll just be SINGIN’ THOSE UGLY FRIEND BLUES
BRIDGE
Now I know this doesn’t sound MUCH like
A friendship that’ll be true
But why the hell, do you think
Your friend hangs around with you

The core concept of this is so good you need to keep after this till it sparkles.

Good luck,
Bobbie

Wow Bobbie,

Thank you for taking so much time and putting so much thought into this. I certainly will consider some of your suggestions but I must admit that I enjoyed the challenge of a difficult rhyme twice in the same song.

Others have also suggested that I move the word "girl" to a different spot but I tried a lot of different things and nothing sang or read better to me than to leave the "girls" where they were. I think using "world" and "curls" in the context of the re-write has it going in the right direction but that doesn't mean I won't spend a little more time looking this over.

I've known for a long time that the concept was solid. Like you said, I just need to make it shine.

I will probably leave the Chorus and Bridge alone since the NSAI evaluator really liked both. That's not to belittle your contribution in any way but I figure if I can give him what he wants, based on his review, he might just forward this on to one of the NSAI "pitch to publisher" nights. The best part about it is if he doesn't like whatever new verses I come up with, I'll get a chance to redo them again without hurting my standing in any way - as opposed to meeting face-to-face with a publisher who might not give me a second chance, let alone a third or fourth.

Anyway, thank you again for taking the time to respond. I'm going to try to repay the favor and review some of the other lyrics here over the weekend. Have a good one.

Van

I like "Ugly Friend."

Perhaps I can pitch a copy to my 2nd cousin, Wayne Kirkpatrick? He makes quite a lucrative living writing and producing music.





(It's got a good beat and I think I can dance to it)

I like Bobbie's rewrite Van. The 'squirrel' rhyme didn't add much to the story and was obviously just there to rhyme. The curl rhyme worked because of the context, as in, 'The girls all get prettier at closing time' because of the debilitation in mens' and womens' 12-ounce-curl-impaired judgment.
This plays like a commercial and might be a good video format, asking the questions setting up to pitch something for sale to solve the problem. In fact I may open a company, Ugly r' Us, and hire ugly folks for wingman services. They're not doing anything on Friday and Saturday night anyway. Might as well make some money.

UGLY FRIEND
Copyright 2005 Van Borden

When you both like THE SAME girl
Does your friend always win?
Does he have cosmetic appeal
That makes you envy HIM?

NEW VERSE II
When you'RE both OUT IN A crowd
Do women check him out?
You CLEAN UP GOOD but THINGS GO BAD
SOON AS YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE.

CHORUS
You need an Ugly Friend
WHO YOU CAN STAND NEXT TO
You need an Ugly Friend
So the GIRLS WILL look at you
YOU'LL HAVE TO TREAT HIM KINDLY
AND HELP HIM BE CONTENT
WITH THE CONSTANT REMINDING
THAT HE'S YOUR UGLY FRIEND.

WHEN YOU GO out girl hunting
DON’T tell your friend the deal
You'll roll off with the girl and leave
Him like a flat third wheel

BRIDGE
Now I know WE ALL NEED FRIENDSHIP
AND friendship SHOULD BE true
But HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED WHY
Your friend hangs around with you?

(REPEAT CHORUS)