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This one is written and dedicated to a girl I know who comes to visit a couple of street players that I know on Broadway and 2nd.Ave. most every weekend......


Daisy dances, turns and spins above the floor
Crying strings inspire her angel flight
Leaving all of us to wish for a little bit more
Music City jammin' on a Saturday night

Daisy cares with a heart as wide as the open sky
Giving and sharing from deep within
The guitars play, she spreads her wings to fly
She helps us to forget where we've been

Daisy fills a void inside us with her touch
Most people just don't comprehend
Suddenly nothing else really matters too much
Lost in her aura to the very end

So, my friend, can you see inside what I say
The streets hold no love for anyone
Daisy comes to push all the negativity away
So that after all is said and done

Maybe, just maybe, we might awaken to the sun

Hi Snake,
The first two verses are lovely, but I think the second two are weaker in comparison. I'd prefer to see more about Daisy...she sounds like a beautiful person. Maybe start with V3L2, what does she fill the void with?

You have a solid start, focus more on her. JMHO...

Beautiful start

Hey Snake,

I enjoy the way you string words together, you've created some lovely images. I noticed you have a different rhyming scheme for the first verse. It's not something I quibble about, as long as it doesn't hamper the arrangement. Have you thought of a refrain? I look forward to seeing this one evolve..Keep it up!

Jeremy

Hey Snake,
Looks good. The rhyming scheme seems to change all right. In the apparent absence of a C , looks like a refrain might be good as suggested. As far as telling more about Daisy, I guess you could but seems like at least the last V should be reserved for tying her in to the street
Wy

Post deleted by snake

I made the changes that Mel and duffycat asked about....anymore nits that need attention?


Daisy dances, turns and spins above the floor
Crying strings inspire her angel flight
Leaving all of us to wish for a little bit more
Music City jammin' on a Saturday night

Daisy fills a void inside us with her touch
Most people just don't comprehend
Suddenly nothing else really matters too much
Lost in her aura to the very end

Now I just need a title, not bad for me, since my Muse is currently on a Carribean vacation...without me.


Daisy dances, turns and spins above the floor
Crying strings inspire her angel flight
Leaving all of us to wish for a little bit more
Jammin' on the Strip every Saturday night

Daisy cares with a heart as wide as the open sky
Giving and sharing from deep within
The guitars play, she spreads her wings to fly
She helps us to forget where we've been

Daisy fills a void inside us with her touch
Most people just don't comprehend
Suddenly nothing else really matters too much
Lost in her aura to the very end

Daisy comes to push all the negativity away
Opens her arms to welcome everyone
If we can see past the evil that comes our way
We will fly with her to touch the sun

Snake,
The obvious title is simply, "Daisy," or "Song for Daisy," or "Daisy's Song."

Or, if you want to get more artsy, "What Daisy Does."

Snake, here are some tweaks of the lyric. I think you should keep it about Daisy, and about the singer himself. Keep or sweep. I hope you don't mind. It still needs a hook/title. 'Daisy Dances' seems to be the theme and could be a refrain-type chorus ending each verse, an old world, folkish style, with a danceable, percussive guitar rhythm and/or riff.

Daisy dances, she turns and spins above the floor
Crying strings inspire her flight
Leaving ME to wish for a little more
(My guitar plays on a Saturday night)
Daisy Dances. (Rhythmic/percussive piece here)

Daisy cares, her heart as wide as open sky
Gives and shares from deep within
She spreads her wings as I watch her feet fly
She helps ME forget where IT IS we've been
Daisy Dances.

Daisy dances, spins and turns 'til it's all too much.
NO ONE ELSE CAN comprehend
SHE fills a PLACE inside ME with her touch
Until my guitar rounds up to the end.
Daisy Dances.

Daisy comes to dance a Nashville night away
Her arms welcome everyone
Her eyes meet mine and she bids me to play
Daisy dances, into the morning sun
Daisy Dances.

Thanks Gary, I might see what I can do with that....

Heidi, my kindred spirit, Thanks for the ideas, but I think I'll let Daisy herself give me the title.....without knowing it.

I do indeed appreciate the replies, let's see how it grows from here...

DAISY'S DANCE

About 9:30 or 10 I'm on the Nashville street
Watchin' my friends play the blues
Steel dobro and a kickin' tambourine beat
Singin' about payin' his dues

She just appears out of nowhere, arms open wide
Happily screamin' my name
Suddenly she holds me so close and so tight
We're all together again

Chorus 1
Daisy dances, turns and spins above the floor
Crying strings inspire her angel flight
Leaving all of us to wish for a little bit more
Pleasing distraction on Saturday night
Daisy Dances

Street Trash guitars crank up live and loud
Takin' us back to another time
Our island of love and peace among the crowd
Forsake reason for the rhyme

Giving out food and a kind, sweet smile
She got a cool fairy vibe
Spinning and dipping with her own style
It's not easy to describe

Chorus 2
Daisy cares with a heart as wide as the open sky
Giving and sharing from deep within
The guitars play, she spreads her wings to fly
She helps us to forget where we've been
Daisy Dances

The street never leaves us, always still there
She comes to care, to share, for the unaware

Bridge
Daisy fills a void inside us with her touch
Most people just don't comprehend
Suddenly nothing else really matters too much
Lost in her aura to the very end

Just a couple of hours, and she's gone again
Like a dream that slipped away
Another seven days of that same old rain
She'll be back next Saturday

Chorus 3
Daisy comes to push all the black clouds away
Opens her arms to welcome everyone
If we can see past the evil that comes our way
We might fly with her to touch the sun
Daisy Dances

Bump!

Look at the last page, I think it's finished now, but I still want to hear from you.....

Love the name and the re-write. Beautiful. I also like Gary's sugs about using the words, "Daisy dances" to end each chorus. Perhaps it's worth just one more look? I think it might add more emotion from a singer's point of view.

OK, I did that........Thanks, Heidi

Any more ideas?

snake
how neat to see this evolve. i love the title and the the re-write. i can almost see the picture you paint here...what a beautiful soul. do you have music for it?
hope this finds you well

nick

Not yet.....

Hiya Samorama!

Ok...I have to say I LOVE the re-write.

I'm stumblin' on the word "negativity"...just doesn't seem to flow like the rest does. Or maybe it's just that I have a hard time gettin' it to sing for me...could just be me. Maybe
"Daisy comes to chase all the gloom away"
or
"Daisy comes to chase the rejection away"
or....lol
I could go on, ya know...but ya get my point.


can't wait to hear it with a tune....in my head it sings rather upbeat.

Bree

Hi Bree, you be such a sweetie, I changed that one line that you mentioned.....I think it works.

Thank you, honey.....

I checked this out because I really liked your writing in the Creative Writing forum- I am not musically inclined but as a written piece, I found myself able to visualize the scene- Thanks, Anne

Hi, snake,

This is lovely. Daisy rocks! Strong bridge and chorus

Good luck with this song.

Emily

If you guys want to see a pic of Daisy and her entourage, look at the General forum and click on Brian's new RoadTrip pics that he just posted......I'm in there, too...

If you want to see a pic or two of the Strip where this song is set, then look at the Visual arts forum and click on the Nashville and Bluebird post.

As for Emily, Bree, Heidi, Anne and all of the ladies who posted on this thread, thank you so much, I love you all!
The guys who posted here are so cool, too...Thank you!!!!!

Hi Snake,

I was at pineyfest, sitting up at the bar. I saw you there and was going to say hi but you and the sandwich fairies flew off. Anyway, nice to put a face to your name.

I also like the first two verses best. I think you could expand on the idea of awakening to the sun and think about some imagery that moves towards that idea. Does her smile reflect the sun? Is her touch soft as a flower petal?
In the line, Daisy comes to push all the negativity away, I love the use of the word push, because a daisy pushes the dirt away to grow and bloom.

Just a little rewriting and this one is really nice.

I'm so sorry that I missed you, is there any way that we could meet, so I can make up for that? Send me PM...

I will consider your ideas for revision, and see what I can do.....

Thank You so much, Vondelle.....

Hi snake,

Hey, I'm back in Colorado, I was only in Nashville for Pineyfest. It's ok.

I saw your rewrite and I like it a lot. Good work.

Howdy Snake,

I think everyone in the room was wondering what was going on when you and the Sandwich Fairies came into Lyrix...but the story of what you all do was so special, we were all entranced. Thank you for all you and they do to help the street people.

I think you are well on your way with this one. My biggest question would be that this is written/sung from the perspective of a street person. That would make it hard to pitch to an artist if that is your hope. If not...then just skip that comment. I hope Daisy keeps on Dancing!

Hugs,
Bobbie

Now That is lyrical!
Snake, I've been watching this song, and I've stayed away from comment, because I wasn't sure I was "getting it" before.
Now I get it. Now I see her. Now I see you.

Very nice.

Snake...

Hello. I think this is the first time we have met. My pleasure.

It has been quite a treat to watch the evolution of this lyric. I was fortunate enough to have gone through this process a little while back. Rachel Kerr, a friend of mine from Kingston, Jamaica, helped me rewrite a song here on the boards over a period of a week or so. It was a great experience.

Your lyric has taken on a whole new face and personality. I really like what you have here. I am not a nit-picky critiquer. If something reads good to me, or sounds good to me, and has reasonable structure and tells an interesting story, it works for me. Each one of us would write every song on these boards a little differently than everyone else.

I don't see much of anything that I would change. This lyric speaks to me, tells me a story, creates images for my mind and doesn't leave me guessing about anything. It works quite nicely for me. I enjoyed it...and the process. Best of luck with this.

Al

Damn, people....this is the most positive set of crits that I think I have ever seen.....I will also make sure that Daisy sees this, too.....

THANK YOU!!!!!!

I didn't think about anyone that I wanted to pitch this one to, I just wanted to write one for my friend....
It isn't from the perspective of a street person, it's from her admirer, wherever he may be....

Snake,

I too have stayed away from this one to let Daisy evolve. You are a master of storytelling my friend, because you have done it.You set up perfect imagery. I can see Daisy and feel the breeze as she dances and turns. You have painted a portrait of a beautiful soul. Wish I knew you both. If I get back to your town, I may look that area up, so I can meet you first hand.

Sincerely,

Jan

Anytime, sweetie, anytime.....I will be more than happy to introduce you to these dear, sweet, absolutely wonderful entities known as the Sandwich Fairies



That also goes for the rest of you, come on down to Nashville, and meet us!!!!

Hi Snake....

This is really quite beautiful....You take us there...
which to me..is ...Good Writing.

One word stops me...and it may be perfectly fine..and fitting.
But does screamin' fit what Daisy does?...I don't know if screamin' is the strongest expression of saying something or not...but to me..it is... but on the other hand, I don't know what else you'd put there....

In any case...I think it's a personal preference thing....

and this is lovely...

best to you......
Kaley

Thank ya, darlin'

Hey guys, check it out, I cut and pasted this entire thread to my email and sent it to Daisy.....Now she has the entire history of the evolution of her song....

THAT is the first and only time I ever gave anyone the complete history of a piece that I wrote especially for them.

Technology is wonderful, ain't it?

611 views???

Damn, if everyone who saw this one had replied to it, Brian would be havin' a fit!!!!!

Thank You to all of those who checked it out, even if you didn't reply....