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Penny In The Fountain
© 2009 Greg Swartzentruber

The girls said I was ugly and had no redeeming traits
I don’t remember ever having any second dates
So I resolved to change myself so that I could be
A whole lot more attractive to my potential mates

I got into poetry and read some real fat books
Got lipo and a nose job to improve my woeful looks
I learned to be thoughtful and show how much I care
But to be extra sure, one more thing was what it took

I threw my penny in the fountain
And said a little prayer
Wished to find true love
With soft and silky hair
I yearned to share my soul
Before it withered up and died
So I threw my penny in the fountain
And made a wish inside

Right that very second, I saw her look at me
I waved Hi to her, she said I’m Penelope
We went for a coffee and talked the whole day long
I soaked in her beauty, this is how it’s s’posed to be

She moved in with me and we became a couple
I was surely glad I’d gone through all my trouble
I decided it was time for me to take the plunge
It worked before so I thought I might try for a double

I threw my penny in the fountain
And said a little prayer
Wished to find true love
With soft and silky hair
I yearned to share my soul
Before it withered up and died
So I threw my penny in the fountain
And made a wish inside

I bought the finest ring that I could hope to get
And as I drove home to her I passed the place we met
Penelope was sitting there with some other guy
If you said I felt betrayed you'd be making a safe bet

Penny hadn’t seen me so I found a place to park
I snuck up behind her I could tell they had a spark
I was gonna say something but no words would come out
My new self fell away and I did something rather dark

I threw my Penny in the fountain
And then got outta there
I’ll never find true love
And I no longer care
I yearned to share my soul
But Penny ripped out my insides
So I threw my Penny in the fountain
And I sure hope she died

OMG Greg,

This is a hoot. Great hook, and great play on it with the name Penelope.

Still, you really threw me off a couple of times (in a good way, don't worry!) ....

First, I was sad that he felt he had to make all the physical changes...so I wonder if in that regard, you might have her hooking up with a less than stellar-looking guy.

Second, when you talked about "going for a double", I thought you were suggesting you wanted to get ANOTHER gal, upping the ante from a "couple" to a "triple". Again, that's a different song!

And talk about a dark ending!! It works for me -- but I wonder if there's some extra way to work in her actually being IN the fountain, to play on the hook more. Maybe he pushes her in at the end....or it's late at night when he sees the couple, and they're frolicking/skinny-dipping in the fountain? I dunno, just some more wacky food for thought.

The only other thought would be to do a little condensing, as it's a bit wordy. (I know, the kettle calling the pot black... )

Regardless, I'm diggin' this one, Greg. Totally my sense of humor (you sick son-of-a-b! )....

Later,
Beth

Thanks Beth... I actually THOUGHT I had made it clear that I actually threw Penelope in the fountain in the final chorus... but would this sell it better? (even though it's a further departure from the original chorus?)


I threw my Penny in the fountain
And then got outta there
I know that she can't swim
But I don't even care
I yearned to share my soul
But Penny ripped my insides out
So I threw my Penny in the fountain
And I sure hope she drowned

And a big 'roger' on the condensing... I knew it would be necessary but if I don't post them when I'm done, then I set 'em aside and forget about them (usually). But if I post them then I get reminded of them whenever someone comments and I get to make sure it gets further work... There's always lotsa warts on my first drafts... Anyway this one is gonna have to boil a while so the sauce will thicken.

Greg

Hi Greg,

Yes, I think that spells it out better...before, I thought you were referring to your 1 cent Penny. Maybe if you changed "My" to "THAT"?

Still, lot's of fun!!

Beth

Hey, I like this. Took me by surprise. Good humor that doesn't get too dark (unlike one I was thinking about posting).

I think you could improve the "safe bet" line, but otherwise, all systems go.

ev

Hi There,
I don't have much to add to Beth's comment . . . I concur.
Title drew me in. I didn't get the last chorus at first either (but hey, I've only had 1 cup of coffee ) . . . now that I know he threw Penelope in . . . I'm lovin' it.

Condensing is now your main issue.

Nice to meet you.

Thanks Everword and Jody! Here is the Reader's Digest "Condensed" version...

Penny In The Fountain
© 2009 Greg Swartzentruber

The girls said I was ugly and had no redeeming traits
I don’t remember ever having any second dates
So I got into poetry and read some real fat books
Got lipo and hair replacement to improve my woeful looks

Then I appealed to fortune to help me climb that mountain

I threw a penny in the fountain
And said a little prayer
Wished I’d find a true love
About whom I could care
I longed to share my soul
Before it withered up and died
So I threw my penny in the fountain
And made a wish inside

Just then I heard a voice say “I’m Penelope”
Wow that sure worked fast, I guess this was meant to be
We went out for coffee and talked the whole day long
Soon we were a couple, and the feeling grew so strong

I knew the time had come cuz my soul was damn near shoutin’

I threw a penny in the fountain
And said a little prayer
Wished she’d be my true love
About whom I could care
I longed to share my soul
Before it withered up and died
So I threw my penny in the fountain
And made a wish inside

I bought a diamond ring that I barely could afford
Planned to put it on the hand of the woman I adored
Driving home I passed the place where she and I first met
Penelope was with some guy rubbing on his bald head

B~
Penny hadn’t seen me so I found a place to park
I snuck up behind them and I did something rather dark

The third time was the charm, just in case you’re countin’

I threw my Penny in the fountain
Tossed her in right there
I knew that she can't swim
But I didn't even care
I yearned to share my soul
But Penny ripped my insides out
So I threw my Penny in the fountain
And I sure hope she drowned

Yeah my Penny’s in the fountain now
And I hope that she drowned

Greg,
This is hilarious!The ending really suprised me.I never saw that coming!Id love to hear this with music.This is a funny song!I like it very much.
Michelle

This is a great story Greg. The twist on throwing Penny in the fountain makes this a potential Country hit. However, if you're not the performer, you need to ask yourself what male country artist would portray themself as fat and ugly? If you say "a loser" you eliminate the problem that using a physical trait creates."Some real fat books" could be "Self-improvement books".
You could also write about how much you spent to change your woeful looks instead of lipo and nose job. That way you're not being specific enough to turn off a potential performer because of a physical trait - yet establish that your looks were also an issue with women.
Your chorus is strong and easy to remember.
I suggest making the part where you talk about buying the diamond ring your bridge. However the last line there seems rather weak. "She was cuddling with another man and I became upset."may work better. Follow that with "So I snuck up behind them and..." before you finish with your last chorus. On the last chorus you end with "And I sure hoped she drowned". I think it's too mean of a line to make this lyric as fun as it could be.
You may want to rework the last line and the previous rhyme line on the last chorus.

Thanks Michelle, It's close to being ready for music... now if I can just interest someone other than myself (who will surely butcher it) then maybe we'll all get to hear it someday.

Thanks again,

Greg

Sum,
I appreciate the read and reply... I don't think there's more of a tongue in cheek handling of one's self-image here than there was in (for example) Brad Paisley's "Online" But then again he wrote that for himself to sing... it may be a valid consideration... I don't hear this working third person but I'll stew on it a bit and see what develops. The second part of your reply has me wondering if you made it down to the re-write because what you quote there was changed... If you didn't I'd appreciate any further thoughts on that after you get a chance to peruse it. I like the critical angle you are taking and I would like to see what your thoughts are there... Muy Appreciado, Amigo!

Greg

Hi Greg. I did read your rewrite. I didn't like the line about Penelope rubbing some bald guy's head. It's a weak line. And I suggested using the Diamond Ring verse that you have as your bridge because I thought the "park" and "dark" lines were weak as well - which I've noticed you used them in your rewrite. My suggestion to use "So I snuck up behind them and.." was intended to replace the "third time was a charm" line. I think the "ad lib" lines that you had were good for the humor angle. I noticed on the rewrite that they're gone. You have a great song idea here Greg. I've pitched in Nashville and to TAXI's country listings. So I know how high the bar is for lyrics. Every word and sometimes even punctuation needs to be analyzed. I can also appreciate that you would want the lyrics to be pitch worthy before you'd invest your's and someone else's time in composing and then spending the bucks for a decent demo.
I usually don't critique lyrics unless someone's new, I like the song idea, or I think it has hit potential. This one qualilfies on two counts IMHO.

Sum,

I truly appreciate the revisit... thanks for clarifying... I did accept an offer to have this move to the music stage... However it will be a couple of weeks before this person can get to it so I will continue to work on fine-tuning for a while. Your ideas are thoughtful and valid and will be considered strongly. I thank you again for your input.

Greg

Hi Greg,

I've been outa here most of the time but back for a minute or two. This one definitely has lots of potential. I think it will have to move right along to get in the right time frame for radio airplay. I have one titled "The Penny", but it goes in a whole different direction. Good luck with this one.

Always great to have you drop by John... We have our scissors and clippers out to trim this baby into shape. We'll make her fit. Thanks again John!