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I could use some feedback on this lyric. I wrote it a few months ago, but keep fiddling with it in major ways! It now has a different hook than the original one and there’s been several bridges…lol. I don’t want it to sound preachy. I could use some fresh eyes on it. It’s intended to be a song of encouragement and inner strength.

Any comments and suggestions are appreciated!

EDIT: June 19, 2010--I've done a little mixing of things...want to see how it reads...I haven't touched the chorus....People refer to specific revisions, so for my own reference, I'm just gonna add a new color on....it's a work in progress...if you're reading this, I'm curious to know if the orange one is confusing, as that is the latest.

Look & See----REVISION #3:

The sweat pours
From your brow
Toil and tears
are what it’s all about

You hold on
With resilience and grace
But you’re crushed by the weight
Of a dream lost in space

[lift]
Before you toss it all away

[ch]
Take a look and see
What’s there keepin’ you company
Sit down next to me
And listen carefully
Something got you this far
A resolve with a million sparks
Do you know who you are
Take a look and see, look and see

The day will seem
Darker than night
If you give up
On the good fight

Dreams and desire
Will blossom on cue
When you finally realize
It’s all about you OR (There's more you can do, Dreams can always come true)

[lift]
So before you toss it all away
[ch]
Take a look and see
What’s there keepin’ you company
Sit down next to me
And listen carefully
Something got you this far
A resolve with a million sparks
Do you know who you are
Take a look and see, look and see

[br]
Under the starry night
Trace your finger ‘round the light
And you’ll be alright, you’ll be alright

[lift] [CH]

* * * * * *

EDIT: 6/17/11 I've done some more tweaking....the bridge now changes ever so slightly ...and there's a new verse 4. Does not mentioning dreams til later on make it more confusing? Any feedback is welcome!!

Look & See-----Revision 2
©2011 Kristi McKeever June 17, 2011

The sweat pours
From your brow
Toil and tears
are what it’s all about

You hold on
As long as you can
But you’re crushed by the weight
Of a broken man

[lift]
You’ve had enough
But you’ve got the stuff, just

[ch]
Take a look and see
What’s there keepin’ you company
Sit down next to me
And listen carefully
Something got you this far
A resolve with a million sparks
Do you know who you are
Take a look and see, look and see

The day will seem
Darker than night
If you give up
On the good fight

Moments of life
Will blossom on cue
When you realize your dreams
Are all about you

[lift]
It’s been rough
But you’ve got the touch, just

[ch]
Take a look and see
What’s there keepin’ you company
Sit down next to me
And listen carefully
Something got you this far
A resolve with a million sparks
Do you know who you are
Take a look and see, look and see

[br]
Under the starry night
Trace your finger ‘round the light
And you’ll be alright, you’ll be alright

[lift]
It’s been rough
But you’ll rise above, just

REPEAT CH

* * * * * * *
EDIT: June 14, 2011 Okay, I don't mind being vague, but I'd like people to at least get some kind of message from my write, so since nobody knows what this lyric is saying...I've incorporated a few changes. (it's okay, it's fun..ha ha) It's all very rough....but let me know if this is any clearer. I put changes in italics.

Look & See
©2011 Kristi McKeever

The sweat pours
From your brow
But the dream, the dream
Slips away somehow

You hold on
As long as you can
But you’re crushed by the weight
Of a broken man

[lift]
Before you toss it all away

[ch]
Take a look and see
What’s there keepin’ you company
Sit down next to me
And listen carefully
Something got you this far
A resolve with a million sparks
Do you know who you are
Take a look and see, look and see

The day will seem
Darker than night
If you give up
On the good fight

It’s hard to breathe
When you’re afraid
But I know you’ve got
So much more to say

[lift]
So before you toss it all away

[ch]
Take a look and see
What’s there keepin’ you company
Sit down next to me
And listen carefully
Something got you this far
A resolve with a million sparks
Do you know who you are
Take a look and see, look and see

[br]
Under the starry night
Trace your finger ‘round the light
And you’ll be alright, you’ll be alright

REPEAT
[lift]
[ch]
* * * * * *
Look & See------ORIGINAL
©2011 Kristi McKeever

The sweat pours
From your brow
First you’re in
Now you’re out

Your eyes close
Cuz you know
Shake your head
Time to go

[lift]
Before you walk too far away

[ch]
Take a look and see
What’s there keepin’ you company
Sit down next to me
And listen carefully
In the calm peace of the night
Or when you’re not feelin’ right
Trace your finger ‘round the light
And look and see, look and see

The day will be
Darker than night
Til you spot more
Than black and white

It’s hard to breathe
When you’re afraid
But there’s lots to find
Under the shade

[lift]
So before you walk too far away

[ch]
Take a look and see
What’s there keepin’ you company
Sit down next to me
And listen carefully
In the calm peace of the night
Or when you’re not feelin’ right
Trace your finger ‘round the light
And look and see, look and see

[br]
The fight is never really over
Each time you get a little wiser, a little bolder

REPEAT
[lift] [ch]
[i][/i]

Krista, I've read this over twice and can't figure out what it's about or what the message is. It comes across to me as if it's written in code. I look but I don't see. Now that might just be me. But I would need some help from you on this lyric to see where it's going. Maybe something a little more concrete and descriptive to steer me in the right direction.

I agree with Dan. It is written well in terms of meter, rhyme and structure. Seems to have a solid rhythm that could easily be set to music.

But I have no idea what you are getting at.

Hi Kristi,

GOod to see ya writting.
I'm also not sure WHAT the song means but I also don't know that it matters.
Keep that in mind before you go changing it :-)
Seems to flow well and I really like this part....

Trace your finger ‘round the light
And look and see, look and see



Calvin

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

You must be writing "over our heads" Kristi
Write down to us a little
I guess maybe you're saying they need to "Straighten up and fly right" or realize what they're doing--where they're at, but seems pretty vague.
I'll come back by
Wy

Hi Dan,

Okay, I tried to "decode" the lyric...check it out up top if you get a chance and let me know! I appreciate your honesty...my son tells me to just write a story already! lol I see the point of that, but ya know, it's how it comes out...

Thanks for the feedback.

Kristi

Hi Colin,

I made a few "decoding" changes...(or at least I think I did! ) Thanks for letting me know how it struck you!

Kristi

Hi Calvin,

Well, I do like being vague...but...I also want some sort of message to appear in the hearts and minds of those reading it. Something...anything other than confusion. And I did keep that in mind during my changes....lol....the line you liked is now in the bridge. Some lyrics come easier than others, so this is one of "those"....ha ha

Thanks Calvin, for your encouragement and support.

Kristi

Hey Wy,

Well...okay, I put some changes up there, so it'd be great to know if I'm getting clearer or more vague! The message is intended to be more in the realm that that they don't believe in themselves... know who they are. It's sometimes hard to find that balance of a story and its message...so yeah, it's got a ways to go....I appreciate your feedback.

Kristi

Hi Kristi, I think the message is powerful, but still vague. I was thinking it was about a woman trying to stay with a broken man? But it might just be about the broken man who has lost his dreams but is still working hard for something. I don't quite get the "sit down next to me" unless you are his counselor or friend--maybe would be more effective to say "sit down and think" about the predicament or the commitment or whatever he's thinking about giving up on. I agree that sometimes songs come and it takes a while for them to reveal to you what they're really about!

Kristi, You've taken a small step towards clarity in the rewrite, but my best advice now is to quote from your song:

It’s hard to breathe
When you’re afraid
But I know you’ve got
So much more to say

Tell us a little about what happened to your friend that she has come to you for advice. Be brave and honest. Begin the song by restating what your friend told you in plain language. Then talk to her in your song. You have to set the scene before you have the actors begin the dialogue. It will make it all so much clearer to us.

You know he'll never stop drinking
It's not just some phase
It's time to stop thinking
You can change his ways


Something like that.

Hi Betty,

I actually want the story to be vague...lol...so I guess I've accomplished that. But I've missed the mark if nobody feels anything from the words that are there. I can't say I don't know what the song is about...I do. It's about inner strength and listening to that voice inside yourself. So...ya know...if it brings more confusion than emotion, I'll keep at it....I appreciate knowing your take on it...it's all very helpful! Your idea for "sit down and think" would work if "sit down next to me" conjures up confusion as to why he may do that....hmmmmm.....you've given me stuff to think about, and I appreciate that!

Kristi

Hi again Dan,

You've pointed out something I wondered about...the lyric starts off in the middle of "the action." That's how you want to begin a movie...you know...hook the audience in. In film, you've got 10 whole minutes to do that before you lose your audience. In songs, I have no idea how long we have....lol! 10 seconds??

I see what you're saying about knowing about the story. We can't care about him if we don't know him...but at the same time, I want the song to be universal. I want it to apply to any dream people may be having and trying to reach. Could be winning a game, quitting smoking, drinking, getting a new job...whatever. I want it to apply to it all.

The verse you pointed out below is too vague and my chance to stick in what you are missing. I could add that info to V1 as well like you are suggesting to build up to it.

It’s hard to breathe
When you’re afraid
But I know you’ve got
So much more to say

So I'll think about how to keep it universal, yet get the message of the hook across.

I appreciate your time and thoughts regarding this! It makes me think and go deeper...stretch the mind!

Kristi

Kristi, Don't forget that sometimes specific examples are the best way to explain or illustrate universal truths. There are any number of literary devices you can use to make a universal truth. An aphorism is one way of doing it.

Aphorism Short, often witty statement presenting an observation or a universal truth; an adage. Examples: (1) Fish and visitors smell in three days–Benjamin Franklin. (2) Many hands make light work.–John Heywood. (3) In charity there is no excess–Francis Bacon. (4) Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown–William Shakespeare.

Google literary devices for more ideas and ways to sharpen your writing skills.

Hi again Kristi,
Some lines to look at--use--discard KOS.
I think some are from lines I jotted down a long time ago. I think they centered more on the dream thing--that the guy was dreaming instead of living

Try, try again
And you will find
Dreams are a window
To the mind

Grasp the dream
Make it come true
Do you not know
The dream is you

KOS
Wy

i like this one Kristi,the rewrite suits me just fine!

Dan,

Exactly. Google is a great tool to use for all kinds of ideas. Just reading about a subject helps get the creative juices flowin'....especially when trying to complete a line. Like, for instance, google "wisdom comes...." and you get ideas about wisdom you maybe haven't thought of....! And those literary devices are great when you can manipulate the idea you're working with into something new and fresh.

Kristi

Hey Wy,

Some nice line suggestions here. I like the idea behind "the dream is you." I've been working on it and with the idea of that and tentatively edited in something similar for a new V4...not sure if I'm still being too cryptic or not...lol...but I do think you've put into words the insight that the singer is trying to give to the other person. Thanks for that! Very helpful!!

Kristi

Hi Michael,

Oh, well, wouldn't you know....I have already done some tweakin'! But nothing is set in stone...it's all still floating around in my mind. So it great to hear that version 2 is working for you!

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

Kristi

HIDee Mz Sunshine~

The Blue Version I "Get'..on several wavelengths: If it's a Gal singing to a Guy..that's one. Guy singing to a Guy, that's two. Either Gender singing to a Gal, that's three.

I'd sug "Pure Courage with a Million Sparks" since "Resolve" is onea those "What exactly does it mean" words.

Dunno if I like the "All about you" line...maybe something about dreams STILL can come true? Or "Can always come true" perhaps?

Anyways, on every level, I find it Inspirational & well-penned.

Just Add Music..heh! Good Luck with a Good'n', M'LadyChum!
Best Wishes & a Big "Happy Weekend" Hug,
Stan

Hey Stan,

Thanks for your input! I am hoping for a message to be "received" by the listener and am very happy this appeals to you on several wavelengths! So, are you saying that you understand the lifts in the blue version (“So before you toss it all away”) better than the ones in the dark green version? (“You’ve had enough. But you’ve got the stuff, just”). And those green ones change a little bit each time. I’m just curious because I changed those.

The “dreams still can come true” would fit and I like that…it’s very direct…“all about you” is slanted toward knowing themselves a bit in order to get to the dreams….hmmm…something to think about.

“Resolve” is one of those words, huh? lol “Courage” would also fit..

Thanks for your kind words, Stan! I so appreciate having your take on this little lyric here. You’re always very helpful!

Kristi

Hi, Kristi! Nice to meet you... I really think this is a great lyric! Lots of good feedback here already, just wanted to add my thoughts.

Focusing on your BLUE lyrics... I felt it/received it from primarily 2 perspectives: woman to woman, and a man to himself.

I think the vagueness will work either way, but still may need tweaked a bit.

Woman to woman view may need tweaked to be a little less vague. I get that it is about inner strength and self-realization, "but you're crushed by the weight of a broken man" means it is also about external factors that need to be dealt with. Realizing her own dreams, and fixing herself might not be all that is needed to fix him.

Man to himself actually makes the most sense and feels the most "right" to me, with the least tweaking necessary. He's giving himself a heart-to-heart, because he IS the broken man about to give up. Maybe just a little more indication that this is a person talking to him/herself, and possibly a substitute for "man" if you want any gender in your audience to relate it to their own individual! Good luck!

--Jen

Hi Jen,

Nice to meet you! Thanks for your comments here. It’s really helpful.

It’s interesting about that “broken man” line. It is him, yes. I like the idea of the perspective of man talking to himself, though in my mind as I wrote it, it was a friend (either male or female) talking to him….but if it works more than one way, then hey…great!

I did some more tweaking to try to make it clearer....the concept of broken man is there, yet I changed the words a bit. I would like, yes, people to relate to the lyric…feeling something. It's all still rolling around in my mind, so we shall see how it goes…

Thanks again for your insight and suggestions. Very much appreciated!

Kristi

I came back for another look. I get the broken man about to give up on something due to disappointment and/or failure. And the message to not give up but to keep on keeping on. I guess that is more concrete information than a lot of songs have, but my curiosity still bugs me. What is it that went wrong? Could be anything. Job loss, relationship down the tubes, death in the family, etc. etc.

I like the orange version... not confusing at all for me anymore.

I wonder now, though, if the "lost in space" really fits, or if it feels too much like a filler just to make the rhyme?

Just a thought here... but maybe V2L4 "Of an unfinished race"--
Makes the rhyme, keeps the meaning... AND parallels to the "good fight" in V3 with (2 Timothy 4:7). Keeps the faith message subtle, but tight. That way, you are also not overusing "dreams".

In V4, personal preference is "There's more you can do", since you've already used "dreams" in this verse!

Nice writing here!

--Jen

Hi Colin,

Hey, thanks for coming back…I’m glad you did, so I can know if any of my editing made a difference! I’m glad there’s more there for you to grasp onto now. And, yes, I don’t say what obtainable thing is going wrong specifically. I could. Since it’s really about the person looking within, anything outside of him really doesn’t matter…but it could be there for detail (Ya know…I’m just realizing, Jen has a suggestion below that might fit the bill for a detail, actually! Check it out! lol). But “look & see what you’re made of” is what I’m trying to emphasize…sometimes you surprise yourself by how you go about things. Didn’t know you had that in you …that sort of thing. Now….I’ve just explained it…instead of that coming out in the lyric… …but if you got a piece of that, or something you can relate to…that’s wonderful from my perspective!

Kristi

Hi Jen,

Ya know….you have the right idea with that “unfinished race” line and you make some good points. And I think it may just fit a bit better than "lost in space" as I've been reading it over and am not sold on it. As I was writing back to Colin, it occurred to me that to use "unfinished race" may also serve as a concrete detail of an actual race as well as a metaphor for the dream. I wonder…..I’ll try it and see how it reads….and the line does go with V3, yes….thanks for that!

I appreciate you weighing in on line 4 V4 also. When there's an easy rhyme, there's more possibilities...more decisions to make...lol

Kristi