I could use some feedback on this lyric. I wrote it a few months ago, but keep fiddling with it in major ways! whistle It now has a different hook than the original one and there’s been several bridges…lol. I don’t want it to sound preachy. I could use some fresh eyes on it. It’s intended to be a song of encouragement and inner strength.

Any comments and suggestions are appreciated!

EDIT: June 19, 2010--I've done a little mixing of things...want to see how it reads...I haven't touched the chorus....People refer to specific revisions, so for my own reference, I'm just gonna add a new color on....it's a work in progress...if you're reading this, I'm curious to know if the orange one is confusing, as that is the latest. wink

Look & See----REVISION #3:

The sweat pours
From your brow
Toil and tears
are what it’s all about

You hold on
With resilience and grace
But you’re crushed by the weight
Of a dream lost in space

[lift]
Before you toss it all away

[ch]
Take a look and see
What’s there keepin’ you company
Sit down next to me
And listen carefully
Something got you this far
A resolve with a million sparks
Do you know who you are
Take a look and see, look and see

The day will seem
Darker than night
If you give up
On the good fight

Dreams and desire
Will blossom on cue
When you finally realize
It’s all about you OR (There's more you can do, Dreams can always come true)

[lift]
So before you toss it all away
[ch]
Take a look and see
What’s there keepin’ you company
Sit down next to me
And listen carefully
Something got you this far
A resolve with a million sparks
Do you know who you are
Take a look and see, look and see

[br]
Under the starry night
Trace your finger ‘round the light
And you’ll be alright, you’ll be alright

[lift] [CH]

* * * * * *

EDIT: 6/17/11 I've done some more tweaking....the bridge now changes ever so slightly wink ...and there's a new verse 4. Does not mentioning dreams til later on make it more confusing? Any feedback is welcome!!

Look & See-----Revision 2
©2011 Kristi McKeever June 17, 2011

The sweat pours
From your brow
Toil and tears
are what it’s all about

You hold on
As long as you can
But you’re crushed by the weight
Of a broken man

[lift]
You’ve had enough
But you’ve got the stuff, just

[ch]
Take a look and see
What’s there keepin’ you company
Sit down next to me
And listen carefully
Something got you this far
A resolve with a million sparks
Do you know who you are
Take a look and see, look and see

The day will seem
Darker than night
If you give up
On the good fight

Moments of life
Will blossom on cue
When you realize your dreams
Are all about you

[lift]
It’s been rough
But you’ve got the touch, just

[ch]
Take a look and see
What’s there keepin’ you company
Sit down next to me
And listen carefully
Something got you this far
A resolve with a million sparks
Do you know who you are
Take a look and see, look and see

[br]
Under the starry night
Trace your finger ‘round the light
And you’ll be alright, you’ll be alright

[lift]
It’s been rough
But you’ll rise above, just

REPEAT CH

* * * * * * *
EDIT: June 14, 2011 Okay, I don't mind being vague, but I'd like people to at least get some kind of message from my write, so since nobody knows what this lyric is saying...I've incorporated a few changes. wink (it's okay, it's fun..ha ha) It's all very rough....but let me know if this is any clearer. I put changes in italics.

Look & See
©2011 Kristi McKeever

The sweat pours
From your brow
But the dream, the dream
Slips away somehow

You hold on
As long as you can
But you’re crushed by the weight
Of a broken man

[lift]
Before you toss it all away

[ch]
Take a look and see
What’s there keepin’ you company
Sit down next to me
And listen carefully
Something got you this far
A resolve with a million sparks
Do you know who you are
Take a look and see, look and see

The day will seem
Darker than night
If you give up
On the good fight

It’s hard to breathe
When you’re afraid
But I know you’ve got
So much more to say

[lift]
So before you toss it all away

[ch]
Take a look and see
What’s there keepin’ you company
Sit down next to me
And listen carefully
Something got you this far
A resolve with a million sparks
Do you know who you are
Take a look and see, look and see

[br]
Under the starry night
Trace your finger ‘round the light
And you’ll be alright, you’ll be alright

REPEAT
[lift]
[ch]
* * * * * *
Look & See------ORIGINAL
©2011 Kristi McKeever

The sweat pours
From your brow
First you’re in
Now you’re out

Your eyes close
Cuz you know
Shake your head
Time to go

[lift]
Before you walk too far away

[ch]
Take a look and see
What’s there keepin’ you company
Sit down next to me
And listen carefully
In the calm peace of the night
Or when you’re not feelin’ right
Trace your finger ‘round the light
And look and see, look and see

The day will be
Darker than night
Til you spot more
Than black and white

It’s hard to breathe
When you’re afraid
But there’s lots to find
Under the shade

[lift]
So before you walk too far away

[ch]
Take a look and see
What’s there keepin’ you company
Sit down next to me
And listen carefully
In the calm peace of the night
Or when you’re not feelin’ right
Trace your finger ‘round the light
And look and see, look and see

[br]
The fight is never really over
Each time you get a little wiser, a little bolder

REPEAT
[lift] [ch]
[i][/i]

A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write,
if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be,
he must be. -- Abraham Maslow, American Psychologist