For those of us who have been at this awhile, we study songs that sell and/or move us; and most of those songs (with very few exceptions) have forms we can classify and categorize. We see the pattern and the architecture of a song. Sometimes the patterns bore us silly- but even a simple pattern is a "confinement" that makes songwriting a discipline- just like a Shakespearean sonnet or Japaneses Haiku form is a confinement that sharpens the poets creativity. If there is no pattern or no "confinement" of expression, there is no poetry. You could say, well I have my own pattern and you don't appreciate it. Well, that is true but like abstract expressionism in art, you have to ask the question: How did you get here? We know Picasso could draw realistically when he was just a boy. So when he puts two eyes on the same side of the face, as an adult, we don't dismiss his art. But if one can't draw a circle and cannot draw realistically, it is a hard sell to convince an art buyer that the artist really knows what he is doing.

I look for the natural rhythm of the song. When I read the lyrics to a well crafted song, I can "feel" the rhythm even if I have never heard the melody.

I look for something that moves me. Does the lyrics tell a story or provide imagery that gives me goose bumps? Is the turn of phrase so unique that it is startling? Is there a natural conversational feel to the lyrics? I happen to think that the only reason not to be clear in a lyric is when the writer is being figurative and if she is really good at it, at least two meanings are derived from one figurative phrase- that is the economy of poetry, song writing's old fashioned cousin.

I'm not going to critique this because I don't think you really want that. I can only say that, for me, using the theme you stated and the "hook" you have chosen, I would work the hook into the song from the beginning. I might start with the hook like this:

I wish I wasn't paralyzed
When I stare into your eyes





"Imagination is more important than knowledge." - Albert Einstein