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Lot Long
by Gary E. Andrews - 11/10/26 11:20 AM
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Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 4,700 Likes: 2
Top 100 Poster
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Top 100 Poster
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 4,700 Likes: 2 |
Poignant for sure, Fran. Lovely title. A few comments/suggestions below. KOS, of course. Donna Title: A Rose Upon Her Stone (c) All Rights Reserved, 08/18/2009 Fran Williams A Rose Upon Her Stone Chorus) Beneath the dark blue skies We all sing her favorite song On the coldest November day Not clear whether she died on the coldest November day or she was buried on that day.The Good Lord called her home Our family tells the special stories How we loved her, through the years I wipe frozen tears, from my eyes And laid lay, A Rose Upon Her Stone V) She'd whispered that she loved me The verb tense needs to reflect that this was happening before events in the chorus.Said she And was on her way home Then I Heard my baby scream ing out Not immediately clear who was doing the hearing.As she hung up dropped her cell phone Fran, I wonder whether it's worth re-thinking V1? Maybe it's just me, but I can't get past the image of the girl talking on her cell phone while driving in slippery, icy conditions, especially at night. I feel this could lessen audience sympathy, particularly given the fact that increasingly strong campaigns currently warn about the dangers of talking on a cell phone while driving (and even walking). Had the girl not been on the phone, she'd possibly have been able to take evasive action. I wonder whether you could have her making the call before she sets out, and then - while he's replaying the tragic scenario in his mind - the singer imagines her screaming. I feel this would strongly increase the emotional impact. Responsibility for the accident would then lie squarely on the shoulders of the drunk driver. No ifs, ands, or buts. Bridge) Highway was slick and snowy on that fateful night Car speeding by a drunken driver, ran the red light Suggest making this punchier. Something like: A slick and snowy highway on that grim November night A speeding car, a driver drunk, a useless red lightV2) An urgent call from the hospital Doctor, said she didn't have long We gathered around her bedside Said prayers, to help stay strong Repeat Chorus) Instrumental Break) Beneath the dark blue skies, we sing her favorite song On the coldest November day, tears fall upon her stone V3) Cold winds blow, we say a last goodbye She is hard to let go, on this sad day Suggest using a word that shows sadness rather than telling us the day is sad.I wipe the frozen tears, from my eyes An angel,whisper s, she will be okay Tag) As the angel took her home Not clear when the going home took place.I lay A Rose Upon Her stone PS, all constructive suggestions are appreciated. Fran Williams
Honour the Earth. Without it, we'd be nowhere.
Life is too important to take seriously.
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