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TV Drama
by Raymond Byabazaire - 10/15/26 04:35 AM
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Leafs
by Gary E. Andrews - 10/15/26 02:10 AM
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Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 798
Top 500 Poster
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Top 500 Poster
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 798 |
Moker,
This is real nice. Not much to suggest, these are all small things:
Maybe change the child to a boy. That makes it a bit more clear on the casual listen that the "her" on the last chorus is the mom, and not the daughter again. I can see, however, wanting to keep it an all-girls theme.
Wasn't familiar with toe-head - perhaps just "daughter" or "son" would suffice.
The word "that" at the end of "Well I never understood that" seemed unnecessary and stood out as harsh/flat. You might want to cut it.
..ant
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