Hey KK,
If you want to go over it "fine toothedly', I'll give some thoughts but I didn't star in English.
I'd see a few things differently in this paragraph--JMO
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"We were up on Round Top Hill playing tag on the fallen tree limbs," the first fur puff baby began, "when all of (A?) sudden
Mama (SQUEALED?) hide, children, hide. We ran to the tall grass and (lay??)(LAY SEEMS RIGHT BUT NOT SURE) very still. A big hawk came down from the sky and tried to pick Mama up and carry her off, but Mama (SCURRIED UNDER SOME BRUSH?)
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"I'll explain everything to you, after we get home (children).
"The most important thing is we're all safe now"
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Seems like better "continuity" to me
Maybe you'll get some more thoughts, if it has to go in right away
Wy---Mud