Hi Greg. I did read your rewrite. I didn't like the line about Penelope rubbing some bald guy's head. It's a weak line. And I suggested using the Diamond Ring verse that you have as your bridge because I thought the "park" and "dark" lines were weak as well - which I've noticed you used them in your rewrite. My suggestion to use "So I snuck up behind them and.." was intended to replace the "third time was a charm" line. I think the "ad lib" lines that you had were good for the humor angle. I noticed on the rewrite that they're gone. You have a great song idea here Greg. I've pitched in Nashville and to TAXI's country listings. So I know how high the bar is for lyrics. Every word and sometimes even punctuation needs to be analyzed. I can also appreciate that you would want the lyrics to be pitch worthy before you'd invest your's and someone else's time in composing and then spending the bucks for a decent demo.
I usually don't critique lyrics unless someone's new, I like the song idea, or I think it has hit potential. This one qualilfies on two counts IMHO.

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