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SHINE
by Rob B. - 08/20/26 02:34 PM
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275
Top 10 Poster
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Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275 |
HiDee Mich-Sis & Bro Greg!
FINE Concept, GREAT Hook! Many a Loveable Line!
It's prolly the Pop Writer in Me, but I yearn for shorter/simpler Verse Lines here..Somehow.
"We were used to hearing all their heated spats/ Said they needed good advice on getting past all that" Hmmmm.... Maybe: "We'd just heard them having Another Fight/ NOW here-they-were, hoping WE'd help make-things-right"
It's prolly Just Me again, but I'd steer shy of the phrase "wedded bliss". Unless I was bein'-sarcastic. It's never heard conversationally, UNLESS it's in-sarcasm. Or in Poetry.
"Money, Kids (Delete-and), Jobs..to name a few/ But as the lights went out, (Delete-the) anger left our hearts/ When (delete-the) morning came-again, we'd make another start"
Your "Life gets all tangled up" Couplet's a GEM! Ditto for Your BRIDGE--What a GREAT ENDING!!! KUDOS..K-O-Sweepos...& Good Luck with a FINE bitta Writing & Plotline Gang!
Big Hugs, BB Stan
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