Hi Stephen,

You still have the same great voice and style. Real quick on the asthma, two things that most definintely help and are natural, are green apples and weight lifting and lots of both!!

On the song...very nice. Two things. I think your Chorus goes too long and it would be better if you shortened it a bit. I wanted to take off the last 4 lines of it but I see that is where your hook is.

You Have:

You'd climb the highest mountain.
Swim the deep blue sea.
And you'll love her for eternity.
Cross the desert sands.
Grab a star with your two hands.
And hand it to her proudly for the world to see.
So in love but you know it's such a shame.
That she barely knows your name.
I only have this foolish heart I have to blame.
'Cause she barely knew my name

How about:

You'd climb the highest mountain.
Swim the deep blue sea.
And you'll love her for eternity.
Cross the desert sands.
Grab a star with your two hands.
And hand it to her proudly for the world to see.

or this:

You'd climb the highest mountain.
Swim the deep blue sea.
And you'll love her for eternity.
Cross the desert sands.
Grab a star with your two hands.
And hand it to her proudly for the world to see.
I only have this foolish heart I have to blame.
'Cause she barely knew my name

(here is just removed two lines at the end part but kept your hook in tact)

Also while I love rhymes I think you need just one less rhyme to be consistent and to make it sound less rhymy if you will.

At this part:

But I knew there'd come a day.
I'd love again. Come what may.
Meet the girl to be my bride and steal her heart away.

I would leave the third line not rhyming with the first two because you don't rhyme all 3 lines anywhere else in your song and it doesn't need to rhyme there anyway. It's almost good to have a non-rhyming break there.

Best,
Lynn
Did you ever think of posting your original version of "She's The One" on your Soundclick in addition to the revised version. Both are good it's just there was something about that original version that I favored. I hope you are pitching that song!!!



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