Hi guys,


Your melody is ok, it doesn't sound like current country radio.

The lyrics just don't do it for me. I'll do a quick crit of the first verse.

The architect came by today.
YOU LOST ME ALREADY. THE WORD "ARCHITECT" IS TOO CLINICAL FOR REDNECK ART.
He spread out the plans and showed me the new room where the kids will play.
THE ACTION HERE IS HIM SPREADING OUT THE PLANS. NO EMOTIONAL CONNNECTION TO THAT. SOMETHING LIKE "I COULD SEE THE KIDS PLAYING..." MIGHT MAKE THAT SCENE BETTER
I smiled and said it all looks good to me,
GOES NOWHERE. IT'S LIKE SAYING "I LIKE IT" WE'RE NOT BUILDING AN EMOTIONAL CONNECTION WITH YOU
then walked off to that little bench beneath the maple tree.
I LIKE THAT YOU ADD A SOMEWHAT CONCRETE IMAGE, BUT IT'S NOT AIMING TOWARD THE HOOK.
The house we planned is really comin along.
THAT'S WHAT YOU'VE BEEN SAYING ALL ALONG.
I put the garden in right where you wanted, where a robin sings his song.
NOT BAD, BUT IT'S NOTHING MEMORABLE. WHAT WOULD MAKE FOLKS REMEMBER THIS LINE?
Night and day that white picket fence could protect you every minute.
BETTER, BUT YOU'RE SORT OF MIXING TWO MODIFIERS...NIGHT AND DAY AND EVERY MINUTE...IT'S A LITTLE REDUNDANT.
Whats left to finish?
THIS SONG lol.

The chorus is ok, but the whole thing is a metaphor to me, so adding puzzle pieces becomes a mixed metaphor or a metaphor within a metaphor. The second line of the bridge is a little awkward..."to put back in what was never in the plans..." are you putting something back... that was never there? Also, "in..in.." can confuse.

The biggest problem for me is that I get no emotional connection from it. If the protagonist was doing more building, sweating, etc. specific things like remembering when he hit his thumb with the hammer and she kissed it and right there where the bedroom was going to be they made love under the stars. But now the bedroom is finished, and so is their love. That kind of stuff. The word "archictect" is not romantic. Get romance in for the women and sex in for the men, then make it all come crashing down. Get scenes people will remember. I won't remember an architect coming in with plans or putting in a garden. I will remember hitting my thumb and that leading to making love, right where the bedroom will be. I'm not suggesting that you use that, but you are free to if you'd like, I'm simply lamenting the amount of work you've done so far without making it unusaual, specific, and memorable.

You're good workers, good craftsmen, now become good artists.

All the Best,
Mike

You've got to know your limitations. I don't know what your limitations are. I found out what mine were when I was twelve. I found out that there weren't too many limitations, if I did it my way. -Johnny Cash

It's only music.
-niteshift

Mike Dunbar Music