Originally Posted by Roy Cooper
Hi folks and friends. This is a co-write that me and JaneK have done together.
It's also my first song since my Helen passed away and she was always my sounding board. I valued her opinions so much.

Now it's up to you to add your thoughts and suggestions before we go to the next stage.

God Bless to all and thanks in advance

Roy

https://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13891673


Gone is the wonderland (c) Roy Cooper / Jane Karwoski 2019

Verse 1:
As I get up for work
It's early in the day
Wish I could stay in bed
But I have a bill to pay

chorus 1:
Gone is the wonderland,
I dreamt of as a child,
When Mum and Dad where there
To lead me by the hand

verse 2:
It's late when I get home
Been working hard all day
Relaxing in my chair
Takes my pain away

verse 3:
And when I fall asleep
I now dream of going far
Touring around the world
Become a superstar

chorus 1:
Gone is the wonderland,
I dreamt of as a child,
When Mum and Dad where there
To lead me by the hand

bridge
I worked all week paydays here again
Borrowed money for my music so I can't complain
Though paying a 'Bill' is always such a pain
Because 'Bill' ......... is my lenders name

chorus
Gone is the wonderland,
I dreamt of as a child,
When Mum and Dad where there
To lead me by the hand

Gone is the wonderland,
I dreamt of as a child,

Gone is the wonderland,
I dreamt of as a child,





Hi Roy and Jane,

Jane, very nice musical composition.

Roy,

It seems you're trying serve two tonally different themes here, 1) lamenting the loss of innocence/chidhood and 2) a "play-on-words" novelty song like "My Girl Bill" --it's a valiant attempt, but I think the "Bill" idea could easily be sacrificed for the larger, more meaningful lament over the loss of childhood idea. The inclusion of the "Bill" stuff just weakens the impact of the loss-of-childhood theme, for me.

I believe the chorus seems to be something I could imagine from a girl fresh outta school, and newly in the job market, but there's no "feel" for that or indication of that in the lyric. The lyric really needs to impress upon the listener this is a YOUNG person, or it just would just seem odd that a mature grown-up would want to be "led by the hand" by mom and dad so much--which isn't a bad thing in a song to say--only it would need reinforcement from other lines in the lyric, to make it a strong idea that fits, imho.

So maybe think of a re-write with more lines that could come from a young woman. Maybe she's working at her first job?

Or keeping the Bill stuff? I think you'd need to tighten the language leading up to the punch line and create a lighter mood with the job stuff, planting humorous lines and thoughts along the way. You might have to lose the chorus idea, cuz I think it might be too dark for a novelty song that would just focus on the "Bill" idea.

Trying to keep both themes seems like a bad choice to me, cuz it seems like the two ideas want different "tones" to make them work. As it is, the song shifts tone late in the bridge, and I as a listener feel a little bit "had."

All in all, a little tweaking could make this much stronger, I think.

Mike

Last edited by Michael Zaneski; 06/27/19 02:03 PM.
Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice
Fortune depends on the tone of your voice

-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon)
from the song "Songs of Love"
from the album "Casanova" (1996)