Originally Posted by Vicarn
Hi Roy. Good to see you're posting again.

For me, production is ok but needs more work both lyrically and vocally.

Lyrically, your first verse sets up the story of a normal working guy and the chorus tags on informatively and that is fine.
Then there's the part about relaxing in a chair (anything special about that particular chair?) taking the pain away without explaining what the pain is.
There is also a period of dreaming of superstardom without mentioning a reason (Is he an ex pro something or a pub singer?).
The attempt to insert humour with "bill is my lender's name" seems disconnected and is a dead end.

You may also work a little on the rhythm of the lyrics and or change the rhythm away from "swing".
The emphasis on "when" in "when .... mum and dad ..." sounds odd.
Like it's been hung out to dry.
"When mum and dad" sung straight could sound better.

Needs a little meat on the bones.

Vic


Thanks Vic for having a read/listen. You make some great points in your comments that I will definitely use in a re-write.
You have always been good at spotting blips Vic and I do appreciate it very much.

God Bless to you and family

Roy

'You Have To Kiss A Lot Of Frogs To Find A Prince'