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Hummingbird, I know Steve Seskin and I respect Cactus In a Coffee Can. I know Pat teaches at Berklee but can he write?

and I hate to say this bu-ut...although your newer lyric has darker subject matter, creatively it isn't much stronger. "I threw in the marriage towel" is a really sore thumb line. I'm no authority at all(and don't want to be) but I'd recommend this simple method: think of songs as organic beings with DNA that consist of melody, hooks, titles, stories, imagery and metaphors. Songs don't need all of these ingredients but they do need at least half. Don't work on an idea unless it has sure promise it'll grow legs, arms, fingers and a soul if you nurture it. This lyric needs a stronger idea and lines with more bite.

for all the praise you've heaped on those guys as "inspiration", the results aren't there. I in no way mean to be hurtful. You may get a hundred people say different and good for you and them.
I've purty much exhausted all I can say on this topic.

all I can say is whatever works for you...do it.

ps there's nothing wrong with simple. Some of My Best Friends Are Songs is very simple. simplistic is different. that's just trite and shallow. there's a great divide betwixt the two.