Get Off the Road!

No wonder I pay so freaking much for insurance. Nobody knows how to drive anymore!

Cruising around town used to be one of the great joys in my life. Top down, sunglasses on, MoTown rocking through the speakers, full tank of gas (we could actually afford a FULL tank back then), looking cool, feeling hot…yeah, it was great! These days? It’s damned near suicide! I’m telling ya, it’s pretty close to a death wish.

Have you ever noticed that every time someone wants to make a right turn, they always swerve left about ten or twelve inches first? It doesn’t make any difference how many lanes there are or how much traffic there is. I’m telling ya…they’re gonna swerve left before turning right. If you’re the driver of the car immediately to the left of the car turning right, kiss that paint job goodbye. Anybody know the number for Macco?

Another dumb-ass thing that mystifies me is people waiting at a stoplight. Have you noticed how they continually creep forward the entire time they’re waiting? It’s only an inch or two every few seconds, but they’re gonna do it. I can guarantee it. What’s the deal with that? Do they think the light is going to turn green more quickly? Yeah, sure it is! As though the light would be thinking, “Oh, that’s Bill Johnson waiting there. Look at him creeping forward. He must be in a hurry. I think I’ll change to green a little quicker…just for Bill.” NOT!!!!

Another thing about stoplights...I guess I missed it somewhere in the driver's manual where it said "Green means go like hell, yellow means hurry up and go, and red means just three more cars."

I mentally scarred my neighbor’s wife for the rest of her life. I’m not lying to you about that. I told her that the little mini-gearshift-looking-thing on the left side of the steering column is a turn signal activator. It gives other drivers and pedestrians an indication of which way you will be turning very soon. You know, so they can get out of the way, or stop for you, or be prepared for the big accident about to happen because you never look before you turn. She’s been walking around in a daze since I explained that mysterious device to her. It was an incomprehensible concept for her.

And, of course, in today’s multi-tasking society, one cannot simply drive. What an inefficient use of time that would be. There are cell phone calls to be made and received, lunch to be eaten (look out if he spills the hot soup on his crotch), make-up to be applied, hair to be combed or brushed, blackheads to be squeezed, baby diapers to be changed, a lot of hot and steamy fondling to be enjoyed if the love interest is in the passenger seat…or straddling your lap, radio stations to be tuned, CDs to be swapped out, newspapers to be read, mail to be opened, notes to be scribbled, ash trays to be emptied, cigarettes to be lit, extensive text messages to be keyed in, and packages to be wrapped. And don’t forget about the driver who may be pleasuring him or herself as they merrily roll along. Indeed, we are a multi-tasking, time–efficient society.

However, my biggest rant is about old farts that forgot how to drive. Now, for the record, I’m 62 years old. So, I have the rightful privilege to take those old farts to task cause I be one of dem! For you old-timers who may have lost some of your driving skills, along with your hair, your teeth, your body and your ability to dress yourself in non-ridiculous clothing, here are a few reminders.

First, it is advisable to use your signal/blinker before executing a turn. However, I recommend that you do not turn it on a mile before you make your turn. I also recommend you turn it off sometime within the first three miles after having completed your turning maneuver. It really makes it less confusing for the rest of us if you would do that. It’s not necessary to leave your blinker on all the way from St. Louis to Kansas City, you know, just in case you decide to turn left somewhere along the way.

Second, there really is more than one speed limit in the world. Usually, it is slower in town and on side streets, but faster on the highway. Trust me on this, sir and madam…there is no universal speed limit of 40 miles per hour! It is, indeed, legal to drive slower than that in town and substantially faster on the highway. Really…it’s not a bad rumor. It’s true!

May I also recommend to you fine senior folks that driving in the far left lane (the fast lane here in the States) should be avoided if you still believe that rumor about the universal speed limit being 40 miles per hour. The rest of us would appreciate that.

Also, when you get to an intersection, it is not necessary that traffic be non-visible for more than three miles in all directions before negotiating that intersection. If the car coming on the other street is only a block or two away, it is probably safe for you to pull through the intersection. Believe me…I am not lying just to get you killed.

Finally, you really do not have to start braking two miles before you make your exit off the highway. The exit ramp gives you ample opportunity to safely slow down and stop at the cross street. I know it’s true. I’ve done it before. Honestly, I have.

Now, if you decide to ignore my advice, may I kindly suggest you do the following? Get the hell off the road and stay off the road! Go home and change your Depends, fix your Metamucil cocktail, find your teeth (they’re probably in a glass on the kitchen counter or in the bathroom), read your AARP newsletter, review your life insurance and cut a few of those scraggly, overgrown, wiry gray hairs sprouting profusely from your ears. And while you’re at it, if you’re wearing shorts, pull those black nylon socks back up to your knees. They’re very unbecoming drooped around your ankles.

Do anything…I don’t care what it is. Just get off the road!