Originally Posted by sharla
But while submissions are still open,
I would love feedback on this song.
it is just guitar and vocals at this time, (so easy to make any changes). odviously a ballad, other than that I could go any direction with it.

"felt you all night"
http://www.sharlashore.com/music-23.html

1st
The kiss that lasted all night, dripping deep into my soul.
I know I’m not supposed to jump, but I went ahead anyway.

(Chorus)
I felt you all night, and I laid with you alone, I felt you all night.
But now I know it’s just a dream, * I’m going back to start my life.

2nd
The ebb & flow I shared with you, like the waves beating on the shore.
Your kiss I won’t forget and the fire that it lit.

(Repeat first chorus*)

(End chorus)
But I felt you all night, and I laid with you alone,
and I felt you all night. But now I know it’s just a dream,
and I’ve gone back to start my life



Sharla
Mp3 Boards

Hi again Sharla,

This song had the same problems as the other.
While I did like the chord change and mood, it was just far lacking lyrically, melodically and phrasing wise. The words were too typical and then no matter how much nice emotion you poured into them (and you did) they just came up short.

The trouble starts right off the bat with your arrangement meter
and rhyme scheme.

here:

The kiss that lasted all night, dripping deep into my soul.
I know I’m not supposed to jump, but I went ahead anyway.


This just didn't sing or sit well, musically or lyrically. Even if there was no rhyme it didn't flow well. Here you have this pretty guitar and voice and these lines that don't match it. Also they are short with not a lot of info or emotional info,
I know I’m not supposed to jump, but I went ahead anyway

Nothing counted as the song developed...

Even just to smooth it out a bit like:

The kiss that lasted all night,
Dripped deep into my soul.
I went ahead and jumped in anyway
Really not supposed to, I know


There just needs to be more body to the songs. I feel the best thing to try is either be out there and interestingly obscure and or clever.
Or hit it on the nose with direct universal strong lyric that says it thoroughly. Like Billy Joel or The way good Country songs are written.

Most importantly do NOT be plain or dull or too poem like.

This chorus didn't offer nearly enough to anyone who wasn't writing it. And that's a huge key in a hit song or any solid song for that matter. Even if the title can't quite capture all the attention, the content has too...

I appreciate your professional attitude with all this and your work and determination.

Sincerely
Mr Knowitall
Sublevel Music NYC


Thanks!
Peace Mike
Sub

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